Last week of 36

This is it my last week of being 35. Wow a year has gone by. I have surivied a pandemic. Had UFE suregury. Found a great doctor- but she is leaving to pursuit another speciality. Got COVID- now having heart problems. Got a raise two times and promotion. Now typing this, I realized that eventhough I see life from a very different angle its hard to see any diffently. You see I wake up every morning hate looking in the mirror. I always nippick at everything that I dislike about myself. From my face to the bodys rolls that I can't seem to get ride of despite how many times I start every Monday as a diet day. I am still unhappy. I can't figure out why. I know they say that happiness is a choice but my reality tell me otherwise. Once again- Im still alone, not debt free and keep up with old habits. Why is that? When I pull up to mu job every job, I am reminded of saddness that I feel everyday and how unfullfilled I am. I know that these are the decisions that I have made for myself and I must live with them. But as I turn 36 I want newness and wholeness. I live in the daydreams of my mind that seem to be happy and full of love. I know thoses will never come true but it would great to enjoy it.