Recycling again

So its been a min. since Ive been here. Last year I had started a new job after being laid off. Here I am once again laid off again. Second time in 2 years. I question myself alot. Im 37 and have no idea what I want to do with my life. Theraphy has not helped me figure that out yet. I remember when I was younger I wanted to be a baby doctor AKA OB-GYN. Then I watched TLC a BabY story and was like nope. Went to College to become a sociologist and even got into grad school. Only to withdrawal due to the fact I felt like I couldn't do it or live up the hype of it. Lesson of the day = queen of self -sabotage. You see I don't ever trust my decisions that I make. I always want perfect but I know that it doesnt exist. My years of people pleasing and wanting to fit it has caught up with me and the loneiest of the loneist hour feels like daily reminders of how fuck I have made my life thus far. I guess this year its time to get to know me. When I think about my life -- I have always struggled. I see others living and thriving and I feel so left behind. Latebloomer to everything because of trauma and low self- esteem, sometimes I feel too late to do anything worthwhile. Constant cycle of starting and stopping is too much for me. Maybe its because Ive been running on survival and not trusting the process.