Clueless

It been awhile since I have blog. I have been in the right space to do so. since we last spoke, I have been going through a transition. I ended up getting a new job and I took a pay cut, and I only get paid once a month. So just like most of the USA, I am struggling to pay bills and to stay afloat. I'm doing my best right now to budget wisely and to get back in the hang of things. I am in the $50,000 of debt that's including student loans and credit cards. I realize that I have a spending problem because spending makes me feel like I'm doing something that I am contributing to something, it's feeding this little girl inside of me that needs to be validated. and I am in therapy so hopefully I will be addressing those issues very very soon. Also, with this new transition in my job life, I have making holidays off which is rare that I even get those off but that's been a treat for me. But also, this is like the loneliest I've ever felt in a long time. I don't think I've ever felt this isolated in a long time. Granted I'm older I'm almost close to 40 not at 40 yet , but my birthday is in a week and I didn't make any plans. I don't really have anybody to do anything with and I'll just be working. So I thought I would have that to look forward to, but it doesn't feel the same and I want to be happy about something, but I think in my mind, happiness doesn't want to happen for me . So trying to build consistency right now has been hard for me because I start something and complete it. And at this stage of my life I need to complete some thing, so I feel like I'm contributing to society more and to have a break in life. I would love to move out of my apartment. I've been here for about eight years now I would love to travel I would love to be debt-free and everything is just been taking time. Once I start some thing like a new job such as last year or earlier this year I get laid off I'm like crap I'm making progress and here we are not making progress because of being laid off. Tired of being broke. Every job I take is crappy or than the other one. Every job I have either have a supervisor that's really nice and they're there momentarily. Then I get a crappy when it comes in or a vibe really well with a coworker. We have a lot of things in common and I get ghosted. It hurts hurts a lot and I have no idea what I'm gonna be doing at this stage in my life I thought I knew everything and I really don't. but what I do know is that the loneliness that I feel I'm longing for something I don't know if that's love acceptance or validation, but I'm longing for something that's bigger than me and I can't describe it right now and I think I've always had this thing about wanting to belong. I was never the prettiest nor the smartest but I've always felt like I was on one and just there to take up space in the world and it sucks to have to feel that way. and I'm just at a place right now where I just come home from work and I do nothing except eat and sleep and that's it. I'm such a late bloomer to everything and I just like well I'm already here I'm comfortable, so what else could happen and I feel like sometimes I'm just walking disaster, and then I'm in loved and unwanted. I think I'm just gonna take this month of my birthday and get in tune with life.