Another Day

 I just had my last surgery this past Wednesday. Then since I couldn't drive due to being under doctors orders, my step father was going to get me some food and then got into an accident in my car. Oh wait there is more. My parents car is not functioning right now, so I am driving them around. I think that yesterday was the only day that I got rest after dealing with the mayhem that is "AnneMae" my car. We have been through a lot together, from it being stolen by a client at the mental health residential where I use to work to being in a hit and run. I feel that I need to do something.

The last 3 months have been crazy . I have never experience so much . I need a break from everything. I love the fact that I was able to move and be free. But really what is freedom and what is the cost of that. Why does life have to be so changeling?   Are we all here to live and die when is the in between. Rationally I think about the future and the present and where I thought I would be. I honestly have no clue where would I be. The dreams that I had are now put into question because I don't know where my next step will be. I can say that I am much happier since the move, my health is improving more.

The loneliness that I once felt is slowing going away. I now have people call on me and actually check in on me. I am not use to be checked on. I am getting use to the phone ringing and doing things and going places. The past six years have been hard on me. I didn't realized the depression that I put myself in. Strangers that call to say hi, what are you up to? , then I remember that I am human again and not invisible as I once felt.  Thinking to myself people actually like me.

I thought I had in my mind to help people by being social worker. But after working as a tech the past 3 years and I starting to think that maybe just maybe this may not be the right move. I feel that I can do more. I am more that what people say and what  I think of myself. I just have to believe in the hope that is in me.

As watch the continued cycle of my parents struggle and then being in a stable environment with my grandparents for 6 years, I remembered something. I remember how life use to be chaotic, stressful, and crazy. I have learned that in the mist of it all, I have remained calm, being put into action. I hate being responsible, but I am.  I guess it all about being an adult.

Third surgery

I'm getting ready for my next surgery. I currently have a stent in my kidney. I'm nervous but the pain is more than what I bargain for.

I'm here

I have been missing in action. Not really inspired to write as late. The transition from IL to here has been a challenge. I did get a job but I am not in love with it, but I have insurance. I did decide to go to grad. school. I have met some great people. I have out grown some.

 For the last month I have had surgeries. The first one was for fibroid using the Acessa procedure. After about a week I had a pain so unbearable that I literally thought I was going to died. I was vomiting, sweating, lost 15lbs. After going back to my doctor she did a test to find that the fibroid  that was located near my kidney and bladder was so big that it may have  blocked my bladder. She referred me to an Urologist. I had surgery that week. While in surgery,  the doctor found a tear in my ureter   from the first surgery. It seems that when the shrinkage of my fibroid the via surgery was done it melted my ureter together causing pain. It was hard to get the stent the doctor said. He said that it would have been a more major surgery. So after going through all of this. I am tried of fighting and of pain. This is has been so  draining for me. I should be actually doing more instead of sitting at home and typing this. A part of me regret getting this done cause I am in pain constantly and no one has answers. I never know what I am going to feel tomorrow.

I am alone. I am lonely. And I don't know what to do. I have another surgery later next month. When I had my last surgery, I had my friend who I had been friends with since 7th grade, take me to my surgery at the outpatient surgery center. After I came to, everyone was trying to find her. No where to be found. She didn't answer the phone. I had to call my mother who had just gotten a promotion, to come and get me. I was pissed. I couldn't rely on her. This isn't the first time. I should have known.

I want to date. I want a family. I want a life. I feel I may not ever have that.
Loners Post.

Day 29

It's has been a long day. Worrying trying to find a job in Texas while living here. Countless sleepless nights and praying hard. Waiting for the change I know I need.  Doing this by myself is stressful. My journey is just starting even if it is @ this stage in my life. Giving it to God, so I can have a peace of mind.

Leap of happiness

I have always been fearful of taking a chance  the because of the fear of the unknown.  I took control. I put in a notice at my job. My happiness needs to be first. God gave me a date I went with it. I am scare but optimistic. I felt a release and feel excited.

Family matters ......when they know their place!

I live in small town where everyone knows everyone. I am realted to almost everyone here. With that being said, my family has always had something to say regaurding anyones life where its their business or not. Its alway who, what, where, when and why. I can't stand it. It's always about someone that donesn't concern them . Who is with such and such, What they look like, Why are they like that, when did.. blah blah blah. Im like go get your life. When it comes to me, its always negative. I was called a white nigga/er from my grandfather. Yes I am black, I speak "diffrent', I feel diffrent, Alone, and sometimes lost. But when he called me that. It really hurt me. My blackness isn't any diffrent then his. Just becuse I am this way doesn't make me less of a person. I told him that it hurt me, he told me he didn't care. At thisstage in my life I shouldn't have to question myself nor my core. I have a lot to give. I have never felt so hurt and so taken back it. Even grandchildern have a heart.