Next step

Ive been working lately and studying. Looking for a job is a job by itself. I know that what i'm doing now isn't for me. I thought that I would making a change in another's life. But everything is about money. Like the Ojays sing about "For the love of Money ", it is very much like that. I hate it. It drives me crazy.

I watch those deal with behavioral and deep rooted issues crumble, only to try to get back up to at times be kicked in the ass.

It's a sad case. What are we here for ? Who do we answer to ? And so on..

Its depressing. My enlightenment comes from when I leave and go home. I don't know when I stopped caring but I did.

In the next step  I hope to find purpose.

Proudest moment

I had a moment last night. I watched my brother graduate from high school. The one who people thought couldn't function. The one they say would need assistance for the rest of his life. The one the put in special ed, cause he is a special needs child.

I remember walking him to and from school. People asking if his was my son. He would always replied with "NO that is my sister" . Seeing that moment last night brought up memories for me. Looking back into where things have come for me, I see alot of myself in him. The loneliness, feeling weird about being who you are. The constant struggle to fit in  and be free. Its never a right of wrong thing, its always a battle to do the right thing, say the right thing and look the right way. Nevertheless, does life seem to be so slow but yet so fast.

I know my brother will do great things in the world. Just because he is special, he has a special heart.

Panic at the police station.

Being that  I am responsible person, I went to go get the police report from last week that involved my car.  When I was getting closer to the destination , I stated to feel the nervousness come . I didn't understand why this happening. As I entered the police station, I started to have panic attack. I started shaking. I didn't want these people to look at me and put me in a psych ward or arrest me. I wanted to run away and hide. 

My emotions got the best of me. I was angry for getting to this point. I thought I had gotten past all of this. Why now in this moment.  I was calming myself down with Starbucks. Which may not have been wise. The more I stayed there the more nervous I got. I  keep remembering why I am mad.  I feel like am about to break the tipping point is coming soon. No one knows. The isolation and the negative thoughts I feel daily especially when I am at work. Me, trying to accept myself for who and what I am. Sometime which I will never know. Finding positive in something that is life and telling myself that things like this happen and that I am not special. No one owes me a red carpet treatment, with accolades and diamond tiaras while giving the Miss America wave. 

Back at the police station, I wanted to cry. I just didn't understand why. Who does this, why does it matter? At what cost does it take to breathe and let go. I paid for my 5 dollar two sheets of paper and left. Upset that now I have to paid out of pocket for my car and no one is helping me and its not even my fault. 

Feeling down and tired

The introvert in me is screaming take cover and hide. Today is one of those days for me. Annoyed with everything.