I'm OK

I have been trying to figure out what's going on in my life. It's hard you know. What's my calling, who am I and what am I supposed to be. I grew up thinking I had to be a certain way. I had to talk a certain way. I never understood. Who am I ?

Job hunting

I have been job hunting forever. I can't find anything. I have applied to over a hundred jobs it seems all I get call back from are weird sales. I want a job where I can retire from and be happy. I want to grow and learn. I feel that's what I need. I need a change. I have had my resume done a zillion times. I don't know what I'm doing wrong or well. I have had my Ass handed to me. God help me

Unfair?

I think that the people gets their rocks off by being bullies and coming down on those who do the right thing.

Offer times I see the people who get rewarded for bad, rude, unjust behavior. These people seem to get away with so much and are to able to get far more ahead in life then those who tend follow the the etiquette of life.

Whether its to :
Arrive to work on time
Be good to others
Work hard
Never steal
Be a good friend
Team player
Great work ethic
Pull your own weight

No these are good qualities to have. Unfortunately, these get you no where in today's society of fast, instant, soap opera filled infected, land of Instagram, egotistical world, it seems that nothing is really positive.

We tend to forget to say thank you, excuse me, please, may I .... Have we lost our way.

I have seen bad behavior get rewarded many times. I have been brought up to do the right thing. Believe in the good of others. Learn from mistakes.

Its seems unfair to me that all I have to do is show an asshole some attention to get something that I want rather then try to get the recognition that shows that I deserve far more the next person. Whether its a job, getting love from a family member or a partner, that give and take is the status of the relationship.  Do I play along with it or not. I don't know.

What I am waiting for?

Im always fearing things. I remember a time when I was afraid to cross the street as a child. As much as I wanted to go play with the other children, I fear being judged and scared of being disobeyed  from my parents. Forward to my 30 year old self. I have been scared to love and feel. Numbing myself with food and hiding out in the world be invisible. I have missed out on a lot of things.


Fear really hasn't opened up any doors for me. It has made me bitter and negative. The anxiety  and depression of life keeps me held back from what I really want. Then I question what I want. Question who I want to be, how I want to be. Withdrawn Introvert is what I am . Don't want to be touch, be want to connect.

Last the time I felt so empty was before I made the transition to move. I was so alone. Im still alone and lonely. I function at a rate of whatever speed. Don't get me wrong I love finally living on my own. Making my own rules. I love that. The best is the freedom that I get when I can walk naked in my own home. I only have one visitor. My parents don't come over, I go to them .

Relating to others has been a a struggle. But I have learned a lot. Who does the most, the kiss ass, the clique in the office, who is sexing their way up the top, who deserves it, who don't deserve it. why does this happen? So many questions and little answers.
 
As I am have watched life pass me by slowly and regrets come forth, I want to live.

I'm back !!!

I'm back. I have to take some time out to figure some things out. I am planning some new things and I am excited about it. I am learning more about this whole blogging thing and being consistent with it. So hopefully I be able to expand more with my creativity and willpower. See ya soon.

People don't care if you...

Have a degree
Your a great worker
Low self esteem
Overweight
Stressed
Depressed
Overworked
Hard working
Nice
Blessed
Unpaid
Woman
Educated
Black

The only thing about this is how you make it.

What is it about

As I look around at the world, it scare me what is going on.  All the destruction and mayhem, will anyone be happy.

I don't know what to write about

So it has been a crazy week at work and I am very tried. I have been so stressed and crazy that I just need some fun time. But when that time comes, there is no one to call or I am just forgot about. I always feel left out of things. Its not fair. I guess its like my Grandmother would say, " Out of sight, Out of mind' When it comes to lifes situations.

 I don't date. Not that I choose not to. Its just I haven't found anyone. And in fact I have never dated. I figure no one wanted me. I use to think I wasn't good enough, pretty enough, smart enough and grand enough. But I know those things are not true. I am good for someone and I know and pray that someone will love me for me.

I often try to figure out the figure the future and it has to offer. I need a new change to feel good about myself and life choices. I figured that one day soon ( cross my fingers) that I will find out soon.

Night at the Opera

Christmas Day was magical. I worked, I think I have worked every holiday the past 3 years. Then I was getting paid time and a half. Now not even a dime. So anyways I worked and then at 3pm I went with my mother and brother to Downtown Dallas.

It reminded  me of when my mother and I would go to Mississippi to see my great grandmother.
We arrived at the hotel. This big tall building, several stories high. We stayed on the 24th floor. It was quite and nice. The room was big. Two queen size beds and then a bathroom also a sleeper sofa for my brother. This is the type of hotel that the rich people go to . Everything has a price. Water, tea, everything.
As soon as we got there we got ready to go to dinner at  Morton's Steak House. Here we were all dressed in black and white. We looked sharp. Only person missing was my Step father.

At the restaurant, it was dark and busy. Alot of people, young, old, black, white, everyone. I was impressed and taken back by the whole thing. My mother has always tried to make sure we experience culture. We sat there and had a full course meal. I had the red snapper, we shared horseradish potatoes and broccoli.. My mother had bread pudding and lamb chops, my brother a steak and chocolate cake.

Afterwards we arrived at the Whispear Opera House to Jersey Boys. My mother has got us box seats. It was just us three in box e . The curtain opens and the show begins. It was great. I was just happy to experience the whole thing.

It was one of the best Christmas ever.