Im always fearing things. I remember a time when I was afraid to cross the street as a child. As much as I wanted to go play with the other children, I fear being judged and scared of being disobeyed from my parents. Forward to my 30 year old self. I have been scared to love and feel. Numbing myself with food and hiding out in the world be invisible. I have missed out on a lot of things.
Fear really hasn't opened up any doors for me. It has made me bitter and negative. The anxiety and depression of life keeps me held back from what I really want. Then I question what I want. Question who I want to be, how I want to be. Withdrawn Introvert is what I am . Don't want to be touch, be want to connect.
Last the time I felt so empty was before I made the transition to move. I was so alone. Im still alone and lonely. I function at a rate of whatever speed. Don't get me wrong I love finally living on my own. Making my own rules. I love that. The best is the freedom that I get when I can walk naked in my own home. I only have one visitor. My parents don't come over, I go to them .
Relating to others has been a a struggle. But I have learned a lot. Who does the most, the kiss ass, the clique in the office, who is sexing their way up the top, who deserves it, who don't deserve it. why does this happen? So many questions and little answers.
As I am have watched life pass me by slowly and regrets come forth, I want to live.
No comments:
Post a Comment