Senior Moments

I have been away vistsing family in Southern Illnois. My grandmother has dementria. Seeing a once talkative womean who knew eveyones' business, what day of the week it is, how to cook you under the table type of person, just there in head space that was hard to comphend. She would go through her cycles of forgetting that I was there to asking the same questions over and over again and 20 min time span. My grandfather-- for him this is a new thing for him. He has been so use to her taking care of him that now its the over way and no other family has stepped in. My grandparents use the take care of others so much that now, at least while I was there not a phone call or at least an hello. Its sad. When or we get the chance to reach our golden years -- we expect to live it with a sense of completion and understanding and love -- not lonleiness in the mind and doubting the beliefs in the or minds. My grandmother would be dressed to the nine. Everything put together. Jewerly matching. Shoes matching. Hair on point. Not so much. She looked like a diffrent person. Lose weight. Clothes unkept. My aunt who lives intown would help but my grandmother has resevere into a infant state of mind. Going back to my grandfather. My grandfather doesn't have family close to him because of childhood trauma. The 50 years of marriage says otherwise that no it has not been easy. Things left unsaid and the unproper healing that needs and should have taking place years ago but have not. So what is there to do. I left running to come back home. I think I was in denial for a while, but seeing her behavior and stress from that was a lot for me. It was clear that she wasn't the same and the progression of the diease has taken over.

Does Misery really love company?

For some resaon its been ruff lately. It feels like misery everyday. I can't help not being unhappy. When I fall asleep all I feel is grief and madness. What is up with that? When will it all end? When will peace come in and say ok you are well and then just like that Im well. I think that I having axienty over being fired last year and its arising now at my current job. I feel like its nothing that I can do hide that. It like Im alawys trying to guess what the next thing disappointment is going to be. Sad to think like that I know but at this moment that is how I am feeling. Thinking about the past year has been crazy. 2 hospital stays and more debt accumalating from that and feeling ignored. How you walked into a room in a room full oe people and you feel alone in the crowd? I do everyday. I work in a population where there are very vunlerable people and I feel that I am inadquated to do my job because I havent lived a life of many trials. Actually I feel like the Im the causlty of everyone story. Im a product of a teen pregancy. Had an absentee father, emotionally absent mother. All I know is that story.. How can I arise to a diffrent story? Today I am just expressing the major axienty that I have been having lately. Its too for me right now. There is no happiness to be happy about. My body feels it.

For the Departed?

 Ive been gone-- I got a new job working back in the field that I had been trying to escape. Thankfully the place is close to my home. If you worked at one place then you have worked at all of them.  I started in February as a tech again. I hated it. But I needed to work to pay the bills and I know that jobs are temporary hints when I got fired. 

In March- to early April, I got a promotion. Me a promotion. I someone who hides in the background not wanting to be notices let alone heard. Working in admissions was a dream come true. I didn't have a caseload nor direct care just groups and that was it. I liked it. I wasn't trained at all I just went in and did it. Then everyone started quitting ans such. It was crazy. Since I've been here I have seen 9 people quit and I have been here for 6 months now. 

Then currently, my job title got dissolved due to a a electronic medical record systems where only another department takes over admissions and now Im a case manager. I don't like it. I feel ike I don't know what I am doing.  I have a case load and I hate being responsible for others . While Im grateful for a job, I so ready for a change.  

 May and This month has been hard. I had 2 blood transfusions for heavy bleeding. 

Unemployment and Society

It has been about 4 and 1/2 to 5 months since I have been let go from my job as a sixth grade teacher. On this journey I have found that not all jobs are created equal and that I've been fortunate to have the time to go visit family doing this time. I'm very blessed that I had has unemployment to help me with this journey because I don't know how I would have been able to make bills let alone pay for food as well as to assist some people from our church as well. But I think about those that are as fortunate and as blessed as I am, I mean the rent is going up but the job salaries are still the same that's what I'm dealing with now. It's hard to Fathom whether you have to choose to pay the light bill or your car note. And shouldn't have to be a choice, it should be okay here it is I have money for both and I should have to go hungry and I should be able to have a car note and have my own car note the transportation to get me to point A to point B. While this journey has been very tedious and frustrating, I'm grateful because I feel like I'm worth fighting for worth the struggle but Lord knows I am tired of the struggle. when is it going to be my turn to have happy thoughts and all that stuff so yes I know it's going to happen soon.