Still unimpressed and pissed

This past week and present has been very hard, very stressful. From eye twitching to stomach pain. It's has been a long time since I've been under this much stress. I had panic attacks that lasted for about an hour then the aftermath was horrible. I'm need a change.

Unimpressed and pissed

I normally don't get mad. But after what day I had yesterday it was hell. All the things that I have been through this yeah came back to with full force.

Luckily I have friends who keep me from snap crackle and pop on a person.

Daddy's birthday

This past weekend , my father celebrated his 48th Birthday. Since I couldn't be with him. We video chatted. It was great to talk to him. With technology the way it is, there be no excuse why any parent shouldn't be involved with their children.

We have been blessed with this gift to communicate with others, more of the time it is abuse.

Reality vs Dreams.

I often wonder about what my dreams were as a child. I really didn't have any. Like any kid would say, " i want to be a doctor, or I want to be a lawyer." Or I want to get married and have children. As a child I honestly really didn't think about that. I was wondering if the bills would be paid and if the lights were going to be on when I got home from school. We never went hungry, but the stress said enough.

Now when I look back, I see things as they are. I know do dream. But can they really can true. Can you actually be able to live out your dream. Can you really have it all? As I sit here writing this, I question that. As hard as life is, the struggle to get to a better place is hard. No on said it was going to easy, be no one never said it was going to hard.

When I left the Midwest to venture out on my own, I knew it was going to be hard. All the plans that I did have for my life such as finding a career, find love, find friends and keep growing, has been hard. I am working a dead end job with no room to move up at all, unless I brown nose my way to the top. No love life cause I have never had one at all, I think no one wants me, or maybe I am meant to be alone. Well one thing I was able to do was connect with the human race, since I was in, what I would call hibernation, I was able to make friends. They actually like me.

I am still learning.

Retrospective communication

The other day I was invited by  friends to go to Chilli's. I haven't seen them in a while and it was nice to get out and do what adults do. We got to catch up on things and got to joke around and reminisce about things, It felt so good. Until later, while sitting there trying to have a conversation, they were both on their phone having a text fight with another person. So I'm sitting here trying to figure out what's going on and they are showing me their screenshots and I'm just like what the hell like I really don't get out all that much anyways but I really wanted to try to get out and fellowship with other people.Try to have some friends to go out and do things that young professionals  do and I guess I don't know. Maybe I'm not used to it, maybe this whole text culture name has gotten to be a little bit too much so .I feel kind of out of place and really bored I had a good time yes but for a whole two and a half- 3 hours of seeing these texts go back and forth and I'm sitting here with my phone-on my  side in my hand I'm trying to connect like as human beings we are supposed to do face to face it kind of made me feel out of the loop. The so called fight was petty and was very unnecessary. 

 Have we as a society forgotten etiquette and human interaction. Its very sad. Face to face contact seems to be coming less common. Its a scary feeling. 

Another day in the life of me. 

Rejection

Rejection. I think for me that word means alot . Cause that's all I know, but not what I am. I always felted different from other people. Whether it's was how I talked, dressed, my opinions, or my inner thoughts of myself.
I believe that it started when my father called me when I was 8. He told me he got married and that she was pregnant as well as had 4 other children. I think at the time I understood enough to know that life had changed and that things wouldn't be the same. The feeling of being unwanted and lost. For someone to rise another family and to feel left out.
My father and I don't have the best relationship but efforts are being made.

Camp Gladiator equals my inner Warrior Roaring

So for the last few months I have been attending an outdoor bootcamp called Camp Gladiator. It consists of 4 week intense bootcamp with less yelling more coaching. I have really enjoyed it.  I mainly joined the camp because my trainer is apart of it and to meet others. I been able to meet others but I guess I really am not the engaging type. I am a pretty quiet person by nature so talking to others sometimes haunts me. I see the way my body is shaping and I love it. I feel like a woman and starting to feel pretty and attractive.

The hour I spend there gets me away from the trials and error of previous 8 hours. Im always stress to the nine , mentally, emotionally,and physically drain. Its helps with that sometimes. I am hoping to lose more weight by my birthday next year.

Taking everyday as blessing and every moment as a gift.

       www.campgladiator.com