Next step

Ive been working lately and studying. Looking for a job is a job by itself. I know that what i'm doing now isn't for me. I thought that I would making a change in another's life. But everything is about money. Like the Ojays sing about "For the love of Money ", it is very much like that. I hate it. It drives me crazy.

I watch those deal with behavioral and deep rooted issues crumble, only to try to get back up to at times be kicked in the ass.

It's a sad case. What are we here for ? Who do we answer to ? And so on..

Its depressing. My enlightenment comes from when I leave and go home. I don't know when I stopped caring but I did.

In the next step  I hope to find purpose.

Proudest moment

I had a moment last night. I watched my brother graduate from high school. The one who people thought couldn't function. The one they say would need assistance for the rest of his life. The one the put in special ed, cause he is a special needs child.

I remember walking him to and from school. People asking if his was my son. He would always replied with "NO that is my sister" . Seeing that moment last night brought up memories for me. Looking back into where things have come for me, I see alot of myself in him. The loneliness, feeling weird about being who you are. The constant struggle to fit in  and be free. Its never a right of wrong thing, its always a battle to do the right thing, say the right thing and look the right way. Nevertheless, does life seem to be so slow but yet so fast.

I know my brother will do great things in the world. Just because he is special, he has a special heart.

Panic at the police station.

Being that  I am responsible person, I went to go get the police report from last week that involved my car.  When I was getting closer to the destination , I stated to feel the nervousness come . I didn't understand why this happening. As I entered the police station, I started to have panic attack. I started shaking. I didn't want these people to look at me and put me in a psych ward or arrest me. I wanted to run away and hide. 

My emotions got the best of me. I was angry for getting to this point. I thought I had gotten past all of this. Why now in this moment.  I was calming myself down with Starbucks. Which may not have been wise. The more I stayed there the more nervous I got. I  keep remembering why I am mad.  I feel like am about to break the tipping point is coming soon. No one knows. The isolation and the negative thoughts I feel daily especially when I am at work. Me, trying to accept myself for who and what I am. Sometime which I will never know. Finding positive in something that is life and telling myself that things like this happen and that I am not special. No one owes me a red carpet treatment, with accolades and diamond tiaras while giving the Miss America wave. 

Back at the police station, I wanted to cry. I just didn't understand why. Who does this, why does it matter? At what cost does it take to breathe and let go. I paid for my 5 dollar two sheets of paper and left. Upset that now I have to paid out of pocket for my car and no one is helping me and its not even my fault. 

Feeling down and tired

The introvert in me is screaming take cover and hide. Today is one of those days for me. Annoyed with everything.

Another Day

 I just had my last surgery this past Wednesday. Then since I couldn't drive due to being under doctors orders, my step father was going to get me some food and then got into an accident in my car. Oh wait there is more. My parents car is not functioning right now, so I am driving them around. I think that yesterday was the only day that I got rest after dealing with the mayhem that is "AnneMae" my car. We have been through a lot together, from it being stolen by a client at the mental health residential where I use to work to being in a hit and run. I feel that I need to do something.

The last 3 months have been crazy . I have never experience so much . I need a break from everything. I love the fact that I was able to move and be free. But really what is freedom and what is the cost of that. Why does life have to be so changeling?   Are we all here to live and die when is the in between. Rationally I think about the future and the present and where I thought I would be. I honestly have no clue where would I be. The dreams that I had are now put into question because I don't know where my next step will be. I can say that I am much happier since the move, my health is improving more.

The loneliness that I once felt is slowing going away. I now have people call on me and actually check in on me. I am not use to be checked on. I am getting use to the phone ringing and doing things and going places. The past six years have been hard on me. I didn't realized the depression that I put myself in. Strangers that call to say hi, what are you up to? , then I remember that I am human again and not invisible as I once felt.  Thinking to myself people actually like me.

I thought I had in my mind to help people by being social worker. But after working as a tech the past 3 years and I starting to think that maybe just maybe this may not be the right move. I feel that I can do more. I am more that what people say and what  I think of myself. I just have to believe in the hope that is in me.

As watch the continued cycle of my parents struggle and then being in a stable environment with my grandparents for 6 years, I remembered something. I remember how life use to be chaotic, stressful, and crazy. I have learned that in the mist of it all, I have remained calm, being put into action. I hate being responsible, but I am.  I guess it all about being an adult.

Third surgery

I'm getting ready for my next surgery. I currently have a stent in my kidney. I'm nervous but the pain is more than what I bargain for.

I'm here

I have been missing in action. Not really inspired to write as late. The transition from IL to here has been a challenge. I did get a job but I am not in love with it, but I have insurance. I did decide to go to grad. school. I have met some great people. I have out grown some.

 For the last month I have had surgeries. The first one was for fibroid using the Acessa procedure. After about a week I had a pain so unbearable that I literally thought I was going to died. I was vomiting, sweating, lost 15lbs. After going back to my doctor she did a test to find that the fibroid  that was located near my kidney and bladder was so big that it may have  blocked my bladder. She referred me to an Urologist. I had surgery that week. While in surgery,  the doctor found a tear in my ureter   from the first surgery. It seems that when the shrinkage of my fibroid the via surgery was done it melted my ureter together causing pain. It was hard to get the stent the doctor said. He said that it would have been a more major surgery. So after going through all of this. I am tried of fighting and of pain. This is has been so  draining for me. I should be actually doing more instead of sitting at home and typing this. A part of me regret getting this done cause I am in pain constantly and no one has answers. I never know what I am going to feel tomorrow.

I am alone. I am lonely. And I don't know what to do. I have another surgery later next month. When I had my last surgery, I had my friend who I had been friends with since 7th grade, take me to my surgery at the outpatient surgery center. After I came to, everyone was trying to find her. No where to be found. She didn't answer the phone. I had to call my mother who had just gotten a promotion, to come and get me. I was pissed. I couldn't rely on her. This isn't the first time. I should have known.

I want to date. I want a family. I want a life. I feel I may not ever have that.
Loners Post.