Daniel Fast

My church has started the Daniel Fast for 21 days. It's been a long time since I have committed myself to something. Yesterday I was wanting to eat just because. And my emotions were all over the place. I've been eating fruit and veggies. But my brain wanted pizza, chicken, and sweets. I'm my normal life, I eat for emotional reasons regardless if I'm hungry or not. This new thing is scary for me. Being closer to God is something that I want and having to sacrifice or give up something for that, I had a problem. The headaches started and this is a lot. I didn't give in. NOPE, not one bit. I'm happy that today, I was good. It's day 3. The first day,  I will admit- I ordered a pizza and had potato chips. Why because I wanted to rebel and because of that my stomach handed to me. The next which was day 2, I ate 1 slice of that pizza. My head was on fire after church and my stomach was rumbling.

Realizing that it not about the fleshly things but rather than spiritual things, I'm learning to adjust to it. Asking for help is hard to do. Being disciplined and sticking to something other than a job is hard.  I can't remember the last time that I was actually consistent with something. One time I started a boot camp exercise program, I was so fearful of going but my inner thoughts, I would only a few times here and there. There is more. Commitment scares me. That is probably why I am having a hard time with this at the moment.  

Progress

Today Im giving myself permission to not worry. To not get obsessed. To not get anxious. Today I'm struggling with it . I can't shake it. The feeling of plies of stuff on me is alot right now. Trying to sort through the emotions and scared to ask for help mainly because I don't know how. 

I've always been able to take care of myself physically and somewhat mentally. Took care of business etc. Today not so much. Looking at debt upon debt and then trying to budget and budget again. Only for something to come up.

Being attached to the problem is easy and yet crazy. Learning to change my behavior things. Realigning to the reasons of why I wanted to live on my own.

Its all in God's timing. Waiting patiently and wanting it now..Oh it doesn't happen that way. Trying to find my happy today all while trying to not to compete or compare with anyone but myself.

Life is teaching me this. Last night I had a vision of my now decreased Uncle. Missing him and his BFF. Thinking about the good times and tearing up.

Change

Change has always been hard for me. My negative attitude has had an impact on my life. Faith is big in my life. It had been in the background in the past. The feeling of being stuck. So today at my desk im filling my ears with sermons to calm my nerves. Needing to make decisions and my brain goes all over. Learning to relax and let go is a constant practice. Worrying over nothing is rapid.

I woke up this morning Happy. Now im content.

2:37am I need a Hug and a Pillow

From Oct 17

It's 2:37am - My mind is racing from the case of the what it is
Lately, my life has been overcomplicated with every problem known that could into my mind. Paying bills, possible rent going up, career decisions and life decisions.

It's now 3:20am-There's nothing on Tv, Watching old 80 sitcoms "Designing Women" and trying to fall asleep. Chanting to myself," It's OK. It's OK".

It's now 4:15am- I need to get up at 5:45am. I notice tears down my face, holding onto the notion of wanting sleep and pray.


It's 5:45am- Slept a while. It's raining outside. Dark and wet. Slowly rasing up. My hormones and anxiety are peaking up. I'm sad, tearful, despair, and irritable. I have to drive to work. 1-hour commute. I'm all spent out but having to myself to others.

I need a pillow and a hug.

Today

I write this post today to get better. Lately,  my anxiety and my hormones has been through this crazy hail storm. Suffering from fibroids has been hell. Living in pain and shame. Trying to control it but can't. My mood swings are dangerous. One day im in pain wanting to cry then the next im manic obsessing over every little detail and crazy. Crying at my desk and feeling worthless. The heaviness of the bleeding and constant checking for leaks and hiding myself more and more.
Its makes me feel alone and nasty. No one I think understands.

I got diagnosis when I was 26. Then it wasn't that bad. I could handle the pain. Slowly its eats away from my confidence.

I want kids --I think-- here I am 33. I always wondered who would want me knowing thats its a possibility that I may not able to.  I'll put that in God's hands.

God really doesn't give you anything that you can't bear. Im always surprise by my strength each month. Knowing that I will be ok but also know my time with God during that time of the month has been bringing me closer to him.

New Blog- New Name - Still doing Life

I have thing about life and the ultimate goal of success. What is success?  What is it to  life a fulfilled life. I guess for me, life is peaceful and quiet, with lots of love and support. Success is measured by opportunity and taking risks. When I wake up in the morning, I thank God for waking me and allowing me to see another day.

I used to  look and compare my life to others. Well I guess I still do. I often fastaziesd about what my life would look like If I lived theirs. Sad right. My everyday routine is get up, get dressed, drive the hour and 6 mins to work, work 8 hours, and drive hour and half home ( cause of traffic) , cook dinner, watch trash tv, and sleep. End of day – DONE.  No noise or sound except the tv or random YouTube video playing in  the background.

In my fansaty , I’m married to a hot guy my fav Craig David—UK brisith superstar. We have twins girl and a boy—yes I have names picked out—But we are not going to go there. ( I can dream right!)  Prefect life living in London. – Then I wake up – Not real--. Man to daydream again.

They say life is what you make it. – While I agree, the choices that I have made has gotten me to this point. Fear, alone, and undecided about the next steps in my life.  Which direction do I go—

I really want to marry Craig David. LOL 

https://youtu.be/bYJ21PYsvLU