From Oct 17
It's 2:37am - My mind is racing from the case of the what it is
Lately, my life has been overcomplicated with every problem known that could into my mind. Paying bills, possible rent going up, career decisions and life decisions.
It's now 3:20am-There's nothing on Tv, Watching old 80 sitcoms "Designing Women" and trying to fall asleep. Chanting to myself," It's OK. It's OK".
It's now 4:15am- I need to get up at 5:45am. I notice tears down my face, holding onto the notion of wanting sleep and pray.
It's 5:45am- Slept a while. It's raining outside. Dark and wet. Slowly rasing up. My hormones and anxiety are peaking up. I'm sad, tearful, despair, and irritable. I have to drive to work. 1-hour commute. I'm all spent out but having to myself to others.
I need a pillow and a hug.
Tuesday, October 23, 2018
Today
I write this post today to get better. Lately, my anxiety and my hormones has been through this crazy hail storm. Suffering from fibroids has been hell. Living in pain and shame. Trying to control it but can't. My mood swings are dangerous. One day im in pain wanting to cry then the next im manic obsessing over every little detail and crazy. Crying at my desk and feeling worthless. The heaviness of the bleeding and constant checking for leaks and hiding myself more and more.
Its makes me feel alone and nasty. No one I think understands.
I got diagnosis when I was 26. Then it wasn't that bad. I could handle the pain. Slowly its eats away from my confidence.
I want kids --I think-- here I am 33. I always wondered who would want me knowing thats its a possibility that I may not able to. I'll put that in God's hands.
God really doesn't give you anything that you can't bear. Im always surprise by my strength each month. Knowing that I will be ok but also know my time with God during that time of the month has been bringing me closer to him.
Monday, October 8, 2018
New Blog- New Name - Still doing Life
I have thing about life and the ultimate goal of success.
What is success? What is it to life a fulfilled life. I guess for me, life
is peaceful and quiet, with lots of love and support. Success is measured by
opportunity and taking risks. When I wake up in the morning, I thank God for
waking me and allowing me to see another day.
I used to look and
compare my life to others. Well I guess I still do. I often fastaziesd about
what my life would look like If I lived theirs. Sad right. My everyday routine
is get up, get dressed, drive the hour and 6 mins to work, work 8 hours, and
drive hour and half home ( cause of traffic) , cook dinner, watch trash tv, and
sleep. End of day – DONE. No noise or
sound except the tv or random YouTube video playing in the background.
In my fansaty , I’m married to a hot guy my fav Craig
David—UK brisith superstar. We have twins girl and a boy—yes I have names
picked out—But we are not going to go there. ( I can dream right!) Prefect life living in London. – Then I wake
up – Not real--. Man to daydream again.
They say life is what you make it. – While I agree, the
choices that I have made has gotten me to this point. Fear, alone, and
undecided about the next steps in my life.
Which direction do I go—
I really want to marry Craig David. LOL
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