new job new me??

So I got a new job! It's working in the same field that I've been working in for a while but in a different capacity. A part of me feel like I just actually know I know I did took something that I just need it for the moment because unemployment was not going to pay me anything. At this time I'm having mixed feelings about it just because it's new and I'm already struggling financially just trying to pay debt and just live and I think that's most of the world right now. So I'm still going to keep looking for other positions and keep doing some soul searching.

What is it about finding your passion all right. We always say or maybe I hear everyone say what is it in life that you're passionate about. What does that mean how do we get there who tells us these things do you really know when your child that you know we're supposed to be when you grow up. Because when I was a child I wanted to be an OBGYN, why did not do that maybe it was my fears of the unknown, maybe it was the fact that I have to work hard and I'm extra lazy, or maybe it's because I just really forgot what I was supposed to do with my life. and then I thought about this why did I get in the mental health and substance abuse field?? I got in this field because I needed a job right out of college I have been working at a bookstore and got laid off from there and actually that place close to you it's weird most of the places I've got laid off from have closed. Anyways back to the story and I needed a place to go I need it to be able to work, to provide things from myself that I didn't know I can get? Which in turn calls me to go into debt because I was feeling a void of loneliness and feeling unloved and unwanted. And now that I'm closer to pushing 40 that I am 30, I am reaping the benefits of my decisions from the consequences of my actions. I just work to survive. I have never worked to live. That's all that I know. It's hard for me to enjoy things because I'm always worried about money. I'm always categorizing things in my head of how to fix things to make other things fit in that box. I have never ever to my knowledge have been content with any job that I've had except one. 

Why is that I don't know, I have no idea why that is. I have no joy in anything anymore. I sat here in my apartment thinking about one was the last time I was extra, extra,excited about something that made me happy. And do you know what that was? It was buying a Brand New bag. Yes ladies and gentlemen buying a brand new $225" luxury" bag. Normally I would deprive myself of stuff because I couldn't afford it. I'm tired of struggling. I would do the budget sheet since stick to the cash budget stuff and look at all the YouTube videos of people saving money and I'm like how come I can't do that every time I get close to it s*** happens. But the handbag I bought it. I bought the handbag and then I sent it back. And then I bought two more from a secondhand site. And I still feel the same way I love the bag more than anything else and that's a horrible feeling to have. It's quite tragic and undeserving because that money could be used to pay off the bills that I keep saying I have. And now I feel like a phony. This is the cycle that I continue to live in all the time. And I don't know how to break it or change it but I guess that's what comes with consistency and I need to be held accountable for all of those things. So join me on this ride of whatever we're going to call this this roller coaster of s***.