I always have the best intentions and then shit happens to the point to where I just forget that I even have a goal and then here comes December again and I did not accomplish anything. So this year I'm just going by intent and just doing the best I can which is waking up every day and going to work.
Anything that has changed in my life right now but have to be a new job that I just started. Do I like it no but I have to pay bills right now. Unemployment was not gone help me survive at all. So at this moment in time I'm trying to find a part-time job to stay afloat and to try my best to pay down some debt so I can move from my apartment next year because my rent keeps going up and this time it went up by $80 and that was after I talked the leasing office down they only gave me $20 off. So I don't know what else to do I would love more space but I know what more space comes more money and I'm only making 50 cents more than what I made at my previous job. I don't know I feel like I'm always taking a job out of survival and then I never really feel fulfilled. I'm working from home which is something I always thought that I would like, but I don't because when I get up out of my bed I really want maybe five steps and I'm at a desk with two screens and a headset and I am there for 8 hours a day. Well I'm grateful to have a job it's not what I thought it would be.
So let's deal with history lesson y'all ready here we go!! I moved to Texas about 7 years ago . And I moved from Illinois to be here. I had lived here from the time I was 10 till I was 23. My mother had asked me to move out at 23. I had no place to go the job that I was working at the time was it going to make ends meet and I had basically little to no friends or they have their own lives and I was always that one friend that always needed something that was me I was at titled friend, I felt that way. So I went to go stay with my grandparents and stay there for a good 7 years I believe and I was able to complete college which I was really grateful for cuz my grandfather paid for my first semester and a half of college before student loans kicked in. And living in a small town I really didn't have those social skills at all. So while people are dating or going out to parties I didn't have that I was driving back and forth to school and working. And there's nobody to blame but myself for that I am introverted that's why you guys are here my social cues are not the best but I'm usually good at reading people.
Don't get me wrong like I met one or two friends or acquaintances maybe people that I worked with that I would very very rarely hang out with like maybe once and that was it. But it was mainly myself my grandparents in the house in this small town with one grocery store no gas stations and that's it. That's all. And I'll have to drive all the way to like 30 to 45 minutes to the nearest town or an hour to the nearest town which is actually where I was going to school but an hour to an hour back. And I just I think I really messed myself up a lot. So when I moved here I think I have this fantasy in my head that I would get a good job and be happy because I'll have my own place with my own fork and my own spoon and my own knife and I would be set up for success right. No!! What happened was that while I was grateful to have somebody to stay with for 3 months I did get my own place I did get a job in the beginning the job was great I had a great support system towards the end it got to be so toxic I had a nervous breakdown. Thankfully I was able to get another job which was great but I got laid off and then I went and got another job in the same field and I was okay with it but it was driving an hour and a half to an hour and a half from just to get home everyday and I was driving in the car without any air conditioning and if you live in Texas you know how hot it gets I did the best I could do because I need to pay rent and I still was barely making ends meet just enough to survive never ever ever had any money to kind of be Free Will with but then again I was always poor with money management always have been. So I left that job and decide to go to teaching what you guys have seen the previous post on that I got fired from that went back into the old profession that I was doing before working in addictions, and as of 3 months ago, everybody was laid off and that particular location was shut down. And here we are today, and I've realized that all the jobs that I've had have been entry level jobs and here I am in my mind thinking I am the best of the best and I'm like no I'm not I'm just like these other people and it was a huge wake up call for me. The skills that I have it's that it's that and I can't really describe it right now but it makes me feel like I keep starting over and over again. I mean I could go back to school and get a counselor's Masters if I wanted to but I don't even know if I want to do that I don't know I don't know what my life is supposed to be I don't know what my purpose is. Are you supposed to be happy at a job are you supposed to be happy at life are we supposed to just go through life like The Little engine that could. It's like I can't stick to anything I have no motivation no consistency when I try to get to consistency I just get bored which is why I should not be doing New Year's resolutions because I never fulfill anything. I'm sitting here looking at all the vision boards that I've made and I have not completed nothing at all.
So it got me deep diving into a deeper space within me, I realize that the last time I think I was genuinely happy with everything honestly and it's horrible to say this or even to write this it's when I was 13. Why 13? 13 was when my parents, my mother and my stepfather and I including my little brother we're living in this apartment complex I had my first birthday party in Texas to my recollection at 13. My mother had got me a buttercream cake with sunflowers on it. I had a few friends over. And I believe I had a sleepover. I don't know why that birthday resonates with me but it does I don't remember any other birthday after that besides the most recent ones. I think it was the freedom of that and the innocence of it all. I think that I'm emotionally stuck at 13 and I don't know why. It's crazy to think that all right it's crazy to allude to that moment in time and here I am in my mid thirties thinking about when I was 13. That's a goddamn shame and I have not progressed any further in my life since I've been here in Texas then I was in Illinois. And that is nobody's fault of my own yes I've tried to do certifications and failed I've tried other jobs and failed but I just can't get in the routine of fulfillment and happiness what is that look like how does that feel you guys let me know and I'm going to be probably searching for that this year no it's not a New Year's resolution it's finding me.
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