Revenge of the Dollar Tree Staff

So a couple of weeks ago I was at the Dollar Tree, or what the you tubers says the "DT". I was getting some things for my planner and some food items. I really like their milk, because its cheap and I can store it unopened in my cabinet and not feel guilty about wasting food.
 Anyways I was ready to check out. The line was long and their was only one cashier. The other two employees were no where to be found. It was finally my turn to checkout. The cashier seemed irritated and upset, she then left the register. Here I am standing there think what the hell is going on? Did something ring up wrong? I mean come on everything is a dollar, its the freaking dollar tree. When she came back to the register she said," I am tired of this shit, they keep leaving me on the floor by myself." Next thing I know the lady had a blank sheet of paper, she said," I am putting in my two weeks, right now. They think I am playing, Im not.". Back to me I didn't know whether to laugh or feel sorry for the woman. All of a sudden her manager opens up a lane.

 Its Christmas time, people need their jobs , right. So I think. But what about the people who work so little to nothing only to be treated in a unfair manner. As I left the store I wondered if she was really going to do it. I have been back yet to find out. In the words of my mother " The people is tired."

Panic attacks episode1

Tuesday, I had a panic attack. I couldn't breathe,I couldn't think, I couldn't catch on. The stress of doing what is right versus what is wrong. I am constantly silence,but when I speak up, I get bullied.

Today I feel like myself finally. Had a great counseling session last night. She repeated to me" it's not permanent. " I was finally able to sleep last night but at 2am. I repeated that phase to help me sleep, mind body and spirit.
It's Christmas season,I have so much to be grateful for.

Still unimpressed and pissed

This past week and present has been very hard, very stressful. From eye twitching to stomach pain. It's has been a long time since I've been under this much stress. I had panic attacks that lasted for about an hour then the aftermath was horrible. I'm need a change.

Unimpressed and pissed

I normally don't get mad. But after what day I had yesterday it was hell. All the things that I have been through this yeah came back to with full force.

Luckily I have friends who keep me from snap crackle and pop on a person.

Daddy's birthday

This past weekend , my father celebrated his 48th Birthday. Since I couldn't be with him. We video chatted. It was great to talk to him. With technology the way it is, there be no excuse why any parent shouldn't be involved with their children.

We have been blessed with this gift to communicate with others, more of the time it is abuse.

Reality vs Dreams.

I often wonder about what my dreams were as a child. I really didn't have any. Like any kid would say, " i want to be a doctor, or I want to be a lawyer." Or I want to get married and have children. As a child I honestly really didn't think about that. I was wondering if the bills would be paid and if the lights were going to be on when I got home from school. We never went hungry, but the stress said enough.

Now when I look back, I see things as they are. I know do dream. But can they really can true. Can you actually be able to live out your dream. Can you really have it all? As I sit here writing this, I question that. As hard as life is, the struggle to get to a better place is hard. No on said it was going to easy, be no one never said it was going to hard.

When I left the Midwest to venture out on my own, I knew it was going to be hard. All the plans that I did have for my life such as finding a career, find love, find friends and keep growing, has been hard. I am working a dead end job with no room to move up at all, unless I brown nose my way to the top. No love life cause I have never had one at all, I think no one wants me, or maybe I am meant to be alone. Well one thing I was able to do was connect with the human race, since I was in, what I would call hibernation, I was able to make friends. They actually like me.

I am still learning.

Retrospective communication

The other day I was invited by  friends to go to Chilli's. I haven't seen them in a while and it was nice to get out and do what adults do. We got to catch up on things and got to joke around and reminisce about things, It felt so good. Until later, while sitting there trying to have a conversation, they were both on their phone having a text fight with another person. So I'm sitting here trying to figure out what's going on and they are showing me their screenshots and I'm just like what the hell like I really don't get out all that much anyways but I really wanted to try to get out and fellowship with other people.Try to have some friends to go out and do things that young professionals  do and I guess I don't know. Maybe I'm not used to it, maybe this whole text culture name has gotten to be a little bit too much so .I feel kind of out of place and really bored I had a good time yes but for a whole two and a half- 3 hours of seeing these texts go back and forth and I'm sitting here with my phone-on my  side in my hand I'm trying to connect like as human beings we are supposed to do face to face it kind of made me feel out of the loop. The so called fight was petty and was very unnecessary. 

 Have we as a society forgotten etiquette and human interaction. Its very sad. Face to face contact seems to be coming less common. Its a scary feeling. 

Another day in the life of me. 

Rejection

Rejection. I think for me that word means alot . Cause that's all I know, but not what I am. I always felted different from other people. Whether it's was how I talked, dressed, my opinions, or my inner thoughts of myself.
I believe that it started when my father called me when I was 8. He told me he got married and that she was pregnant as well as had 4 other children. I think at the time I understood enough to know that life had changed and that things wouldn't be the same. The feeling of being unwanted and lost. For someone to rise another family and to feel left out.
My father and I don't have the best relationship but efforts are being made.

Camp Gladiator equals my inner Warrior Roaring

So for the last few months I have been attending an outdoor bootcamp called Camp Gladiator. It consists of 4 week intense bootcamp with less yelling more coaching. I have really enjoyed it.  I mainly joined the camp because my trainer is apart of it and to meet others. I been able to meet others but I guess I really am not the engaging type. I am a pretty quiet person by nature so talking to others sometimes haunts me. I see the way my body is shaping and I love it. I feel like a woman and starting to feel pretty and attractive.

The hour I spend there gets me away from the trials and error of previous 8 hours. Im always stress to the nine , mentally, emotionally,and physically drain. Its helps with that sometimes. I am hoping to lose more weight by my birthday next year.

Taking everyday as blessing and every moment as a gift.

       www.campgladiator.com

Next step

Ive been working lately and studying. Looking for a job is a job by itself. I know that what i'm doing now isn't for me. I thought that I would making a change in another's life. But everything is about money. Like the Ojays sing about "For the love of Money ", it is very much like that. I hate it. It drives me crazy.

I watch those deal with behavioral and deep rooted issues crumble, only to try to get back up to at times be kicked in the ass.

It's a sad case. What are we here for ? Who do we answer to ? And so on..

Its depressing. My enlightenment comes from when I leave and go home. I don't know when I stopped caring but I did.

In the next step  I hope to find purpose.

Proudest moment

I had a moment last night. I watched my brother graduate from high school. The one who people thought couldn't function. The one they say would need assistance for the rest of his life. The one the put in special ed, cause he is a special needs child.

I remember walking him to and from school. People asking if his was my son. He would always replied with "NO that is my sister" . Seeing that moment last night brought up memories for me. Looking back into where things have come for me, I see alot of myself in him. The loneliness, feeling weird about being who you are. The constant struggle to fit in  and be free. Its never a right of wrong thing, its always a battle to do the right thing, say the right thing and look the right way. Nevertheless, does life seem to be so slow but yet so fast.

I know my brother will do great things in the world. Just because he is special, he has a special heart.

Panic at the police station.

Being that  I am responsible person, I went to go get the police report from last week that involved my car.  When I was getting closer to the destination , I stated to feel the nervousness come . I didn't understand why this happening. As I entered the police station, I started to have panic attack. I started shaking. I didn't want these people to look at me and put me in a psych ward or arrest me. I wanted to run away and hide. 

My emotions got the best of me. I was angry for getting to this point. I thought I had gotten past all of this. Why now in this moment.  I was calming myself down with Starbucks. Which may not have been wise. The more I stayed there the more nervous I got. I  keep remembering why I am mad.  I feel like am about to break the tipping point is coming soon. No one knows. The isolation and the negative thoughts I feel daily especially when I am at work. Me, trying to accept myself for who and what I am. Sometime which I will never know. Finding positive in something that is life and telling myself that things like this happen and that I am not special. No one owes me a red carpet treatment, with accolades and diamond tiaras while giving the Miss America wave. 

Back at the police station, I wanted to cry. I just didn't understand why. Who does this, why does it matter? At what cost does it take to breathe and let go. I paid for my 5 dollar two sheets of paper and left. Upset that now I have to paid out of pocket for my car and no one is helping me and its not even my fault. 

Feeling down and tired

The introvert in me is screaming take cover and hide. Today is one of those days for me. Annoyed with everything.

Another Day

 I just had my last surgery this past Wednesday. Then since I couldn't drive due to being under doctors orders, my step father was going to get me some food and then got into an accident in my car. Oh wait there is more. My parents car is not functioning right now, so I am driving them around. I think that yesterday was the only day that I got rest after dealing with the mayhem that is "AnneMae" my car. We have been through a lot together, from it being stolen by a client at the mental health residential where I use to work to being in a hit and run. I feel that I need to do something.

The last 3 months have been crazy . I have never experience so much . I need a break from everything. I love the fact that I was able to move and be free. But really what is freedom and what is the cost of that. Why does life have to be so changeling?   Are we all here to live and die when is the in between. Rationally I think about the future and the present and where I thought I would be. I honestly have no clue where would I be. The dreams that I had are now put into question because I don't know where my next step will be. I can say that I am much happier since the move, my health is improving more.

The loneliness that I once felt is slowing going away. I now have people call on me and actually check in on me. I am not use to be checked on. I am getting use to the phone ringing and doing things and going places. The past six years have been hard on me. I didn't realized the depression that I put myself in. Strangers that call to say hi, what are you up to? , then I remember that I am human again and not invisible as I once felt.  Thinking to myself people actually like me.

I thought I had in my mind to help people by being social worker. But after working as a tech the past 3 years and I starting to think that maybe just maybe this may not be the right move. I feel that I can do more. I am more that what people say and what  I think of myself. I just have to believe in the hope that is in me.

As watch the continued cycle of my parents struggle and then being in a stable environment with my grandparents for 6 years, I remembered something. I remember how life use to be chaotic, stressful, and crazy. I have learned that in the mist of it all, I have remained calm, being put into action. I hate being responsible, but I am.  I guess it all about being an adult.

Third surgery

I'm getting ready for my next surgery. I currently have a stent in my kidney. I'm nervous but the pain is more than what I bargain for.

I'm here

I have been missing in action. Not really inspired to write as late. The transition from IL to here has been a challenge. I did get a job but I am not in love with it, but I have insurance. I did decide to go to grad. school. I have met some great people. I have out grown some.

 For the last month I have had surgeries. The first one was for fibroid using the Acessa procedure. After about a week I had a pain so unbearable that I literally thought I was going to died. I was vomiting, sweating, lost 15lbs. After going back to my doctor she did a test to find that the fibroid  that was located near my kidney and bladder was so big that it may have  blocked my bladder. She referred me to an Urologist. I had surgery that week. While in surgery,  the doctor found a tear in my ureter   from the first surgery. It seems that when the shrinkage of my fibroid the via surgery was done it melted my ureter together causing pain. It was hard to get the stent the doctor said. He said that it would have been a more major surgery. So after going through all of this. I am tried of fighting and of pain. This is has been so  draining for me. I should be actually doing more instead of sitting at home and typing this. A part of me regret getting this done cause I am in pain constantly and no one has answers. I never know what I am going to feel tomorrow.

I am alone. I am lonely. And I don't know what to do. I have another surgery later next month. When I had my last surgery, I had my friend who I had been friends with since 7th grade, take me to my surgery at the outpatient surgery center. After I came to, everyone was trying to find her. No where to be found. She didn't answer the phone. I had to call my mother who had just gotten a promotion, to come and get me. I was pissed. I couldn't rely on her. This isn't the first time. I should have known.

I want to date. I want a family. I want a life. I feel I may not ever have that.
Loners Post.