new job new me??

So I got a new job! It's working in the same field that I've been working in for a while but in a different capacity. A part of me feel like I just actually know I know I did took something that I just need it for the moment because unemployment was not going to pay me anything. At this time I'm having mixed feelings about it just because it's new and I'm already struggling financially just trying to pay debt and just live and I think that's most of the world right now. So I'm still going to keep looking for other positions and keep doing some soul searching.

What is it about finding your passion all right. We always say or maybe I hear everyone say what is it in life that you're passionate about. What does that mean how do we get there who tells us these things do you really know when your child that you know we're supposed to be when you grow up. Because when I was a child I wanted to be an OBGYN, why did not do that maybe it was my fears of the unknown, maybe it was the fact that I have to work hard and I'm extra lazy, or maybe it's because I just really forgot what I was supposed to do with my life. and then I thought about this why did I get in the mental health and substance abuse field?? I got in this field because I needed a job right out of college I have been working at a bookstore and got laid off from there and actually that place close to you it's weird most of the places I've got laid off from have closed. Anyways back to the story and I needed a place to go I need it to be able to work, to provide things from myself that I didn't know I can get? Which in turn calls me to go into debt because I was feeling a void of loneliness and feeling unloved and unwanted. And now that I'm closer to pushing 40 that I am 30, I am reaping the benefits of my decisions from the consequences of my actions. I just work to survive. I have never worked to live. That's all that I know. It's hard for me to enjoy things because I'm always worried about money. I'm always categorizing things in my head of how to fix things to make other things fit in that box. I have never ever to my knowledge have been content with any job that I've had except one. 

Why is that I don't know, I have no idea why that is. I have no joy in anything anymore. I sat here in my apartment thinking about one was the last time I was extra, extra,excited about something that made me happy. And do you know what that was? It was buying a Brand New bag. Yes ladies and gentlemen buying a brand new $225" luxury" bag. Normally I would deprive myself of stuff because I couldn't afford it. I'm tired of struggling. I would do the budget sheet since stick to the cash budget stuff and look at all the YouTube videos of people saving money and I'm like how come I can't do that every time I get close to it s*** happens. But the handbag I bought it. I bought the handbag and then I sent it back. And then I bought two more from a secondhand site. And I still feel the same way I love the bag more than anything else and that's a horrible feeling to have. It's quite tragic and undeserving because that money could be used to pay off the bills that I keep saying I have. And now I feel like a phony. This is the cycle that I continue to live in all the time. And I don't know how to break it or change it but I guess that's what comes with consistency and I need to be held accountable for all of those things. So join me on this ride of whatever we're going to call this this roller coaster of s***.

Another laid off

so I have been laid off once again. I believe that this is the second layoff in about 4 1/2 or five years. So I'm trying to figure out the next step. I am so tired of being in Behavior Health it has sucked my soul out and I'm just tired of being strictly unhappy for such a long time. I know I need a job but I've been a little particular about what I want instead of just going because I am desperate. I have no motivation right now I feel like blah at the moment. Most of my coworkers have found their jobs already and will be starting soon and a part of me feel like I'm left out and the other part of me is like girl you killed it last week by yourself why everybody else was out doing interviews at work you were making sure that everybody was doing what they need to do as far as the clients on the aftercare plans etc. And a part of me has a little bit of resentment because I felt like I needed to be the one that was president in the moment it consistent and the other part of me is like girl shut up and just do what you need to do that was your job. And I'm just on this road right now of uncertainty and a little scared at the moment. I had to just pay about $500 for my car to get that fixed. Then I had a flat tire the week after I didn't have any to get three new tires plus an alignment put that on a credit card that I just paid off. Then as of this past weekend I had to get the alignment corrected because my car started doing weird stuff. I went almost a week without a car at one point and I was grateful to have my coworkers take me to and from work and it probably only use a rideshare maybe three times. I'm just so weird right now and asking for help it's always been hard for me strictly hard for me and it makes me feel weak and lost undisciplined. So right now I'm trying to look for a job I mean it's just me I have nobody else and that's just life at the moment. So if I end up back and behavior health which I don't want to hear be very brief I won't let it stay long. It won't drowned me because it's just a job and I can get unemployment as well but that's not gonna be a lot only because it's low and unfortunately living in a state and I mean we don't get the extra $600 that you know the other State was giving. And hopefully I get help with my rent and my electricity and my car.

Good day

it's been such a wonderful time right now in my life. Sake no it has not been the same. I've just been wanting to do something different so I have been meeting my best friend every Friday for the past couple weeks for breakfast. She has been late almost every time and I never say anything at all at all. So I don't like to upset anybody and I'm afraid that she would be my friend if I told her that she was late.Sometimes it feels like I thrive off disaster at all times and I really don't mean to come off like that. I'm really a good person and I just fucked up and all kinds of way shape or form I don't know how to just be a normal human being without having my introvert and what is my social axniety come in to play when I'm just trying to live my best mother effing life that I can possibly live. So it's just one of those things right now for me that I'm trying to take a step back and look deeper within myself to see what can I change. I'm in the second half my 30s I need to be more the aware. But society tells me that I need to be married at 18,000 kids with a career in $10,000 in my savings. I pay my bills I get some covert easy as that. But I'm learning to except things the way it is and I'm OK with that I'm OK with that and that's all that.

How do you mourn?

Today I lost an acquaintance that I knew. She was the best friend of my childhood friend. I don't know how to feel. Should I be sad? Should I be crying? I have no emotion at all. Death, to me, is sad and overwhelming. I have not been to a funeral in over 10 years. I refuse to go. It was an out-of-body experience for me. Being at a church with others morning like you. Depressing. Seeing someone you love in a decorated box only to be put in the ground covered with dirt forever. While I feel bad, the feeling is weird. Grief comes in many ways. How are you supposed to feel? In the moment of learning about loss, especially in the times, we live in, seems to be normal. Like oh, they died or hearing a news story about some violent murder. Then now hearing people died from the virus. The human brain can only handle what it cans and hold on to it. Is everything that is real fake or is everything fake real? Illusions and reality counter each other until it's just another day. Another moment. Another feeling. Another numbness finally becomes normal.

Last week of 36

This is it my last week of being 35. Wow a year has gone by. I have surivied a pandemic. Had UFE suregury. Found a great doctor- but she is leaving to pursuit another speciality. Got COVID- now having heart problems. Got a raise two times and promotion. Now typing this, I realized that eventhough I see life from a very different angle its hard to see any diffently. You see I wake up every morning hate looking in the mirror. I always nippick at everything that I dislike about myself. From my face to the bodys rolls that I can't seem to get ride of despite how many times I start every Monday as a diet day. I am still unhappy. I can't figure out why. I know they say that happiness is a choice but my reality tell me otherwise. Once again- Im still alone, not debt free and keep up with old habits. Why is that? When I pull up to mu job every job, I am reminded of saddness that I feel everyday and how unfullfilled I am. I know that these are the decisions that I have made for myself and I must live with them. But as I turn 36 I want newness and wholeness. I live in the daydreams of my mind that seem to be happy and full of love. I know thoses will never come true but it would great to enjoy it.

untitled

I don't know what to write. I feel like I regurgitate everything over and over again. This week has been very stressful and overwhelmed. My job is currently very very short staff and it's just seem like it's one thing after another. My body is just tired and wanting more for myself when I come home from work I just can't push myself to do anything anymore. I look at others and I will confess that I do compare myself to other people all the time. I compare my whole identity to them. And I often feel alone and Afraid to go the extra mile. And I always think people have something against me at all times. And at this moment, I'm seeing things for what they are but with my own perception of it. It's like I live in a wasteland of my mind and only thing that I know how to do is live in that Wasteland of mess and debris and toxic Madness it smells like s*** scuse me. It's hard for me to focus on certain things when I'm at home such as, a Bible study that I wanted to do and I just don't care and I do it to be around people but is on Zoom. I think it's my madness a couple heading to be included but I really don't want to be included because I put my screen on black. I don't think anyone feels like I feel. It's like I'm constantly trying to find run to something that is greater than what the situation that I'm in now. And I don't know how to change it or know how to start changing it. I was doing a podcast last night or a while ago, and I have nothing I sure would have to share which was but I'm sharing with you guys now but it was depressing and I feel like I'm always that person. Will I ever grow will ever achieve anything out of life I'm just feel like I'm always miserable me. I know there's sunshine and rainbows and puffy clouds in the distance, but when am I going to ever see it.

mindblogging

Good evening, it is currently Saturday night and I am having anxiety about going to work tomorrow. Every time I think about work I have anxiety, either I'm at home thinking about it or I'm in my office about it. It's mind-boggling because I've stayed in this industry for such a long time and I have no empathy or sympathy anymore I am officially burnt out. I'm just tired my body hurts and I'm ready for a change. I've been looking for other opportunities and I keep getting put back into this space of the genre of the job that I have an only way that I can move forward is if I were to get an advanced degree but I can't afford it right now because I'm paying off debt like any adult is doing right now and we're in a pandemic still even though it seem like it's not even still going. I think my days of just dealing with stuff and rolling with the punches doesn't do it for me anymore. In the past I would just go, go, go, until it was nothing left in me. I'm seeing a new perspective on life and I want to enjoy it and now that I'm feeling better even though mentally I'm not cuz I feel all throughout my body physically, I just want to be free but I feel like I'm trapped in Chains of a 9-5 job. And they've basically have my Financial Security in their hands. They could let me go and I'll be worried that I don't have a job and I'm going to pay my rent versus me daydreaming about me not being there in that kind of crazy. I feel weird about that and uneasy. But I need to go through some Growing Pains or I'm going through it right now. I just don't know how to make this transformation how to push for it I'm feel lost and don't know what direction to go and a part of me feels like I'm running out of time cuz time waits for nobody. Is that normal to feel that way right now? Or am I letting my anxiety just get the best of me? I know I live so much in my head and I stay at my own a coordinates all the time. I used to be very creative and I don't have her anymore she is buried somewhere and I have been able to find her at all. I'm trying to ReDiscover her or that side of me again has been hard for me and trying to discover her I don't remember her I don't know her the sad case of me. But I do have a feeling that better days are going to come I just have to believe in it that it will happen. Until next time.

Black Girl Wasted

It's been this time around. I am liking myself now. I good. I just got my results back from my surgery -- MY FIBROIDS ARE DEAD!!! I don't know how to act. The inner excitement is in disbelief. Now on the next part of my life, going back to school. I feel more confident now to get my master's. It's something different. I have talked myself out of it since forever. Today I had brunch with some friends who are now therapists with their practices. I heard their success and the money that they make. I feel left out because I have all the knowledge and resources but not the education. I just failed my second time taking my LCDC test for my certification. I felt stupid and lost. But I know I can do it.

Welcome to Snowville USA

Hello to all, if you read the title right yes I said Snowville USA. Currently living in the Dallas-Ft. Worth Texas area, it is colder than Vanilla Ice. Since I am from the midwest this should be fine right nope. I hate driving on ice and snow-- it scares me. Also I have been without power for 24 hrs as of now. Thankfully I've been staying at a friends' and able to use wifi. I have been away from work since Sunday and worried that I will be fired because of the weather and not being able to go in with the roads being bad. The roads are so bad that no one here in Texas land can drive on this stuff. It has been a min since I have blog mainly due to being lazy and not prioritizing this. But I do a podcast updating my life. So what has been going on in my world, you ask... Last I blog I was experiencing blood loss. This past November 2020, I was able to get the UFE surgery. They were able to go through a vein in my arm to the fibroids and shoot beads or particles to KILL the fibroids. My recovery time was about a week. My pain level was medium and I got good medications. My doctor was very thorough and knowledgeable to my case. She was great. I was happy that I didn't have to be cut open and stuff. For the first week I was sore of course, it felt like a saw went in me. But over time I was fine. I had been bleeding daily from May until Jan 2021. Today I can say that I am doing well. my periods are regular and my blood loss has been minimal. Very grateful. Learning how badly I have been able to rebound of sorts has been great. I don't feel drained like I used to. I am happy and my energy has been great. But since my hormones have been up and down I have noticed my depression and anxiety has been all over the place. I am grateful for the next steps.

New Year?

Well time has gone by so quickly and the world is still what it is. Last year was crazy. I was in the ER 3 times getting a blood transfusions and Iron infusion. I ended up getting UFE surgey to help with my heavy menstrual bleeding and fibriods. Its been about 50 days since my surgey, I feel great thus far. I had been bleeding since May 2020 everyday until now. My anemia was really bad. I passed out at work and at my apartment. I was tried all the time. The drizzy spells were constant and pad after pad was all that I knew. At this time I feel great. I gain weight from the depo shot I had in August, so I am not liking that. I have notice that finally that maybe I might have a chance to live the most of life that I can live. I missed out on so much and I just know that there is more for me in this year. Everyday I am trying learn this new me. So 2021 here I come.