metamorphosis

Hi it's me again. Life has been good so for. Walking everyday at my lunch. Clearing my mind. It's great to get out in the sun and feel the breeze. 

Lately it's been good clearing my mind. Hard as life is, it's scary the way the world is with high prices everywhere. Im scare of being homeless and without. But the energy and knowing that God has me is an ease unlike any thing. 

Finding peace is hard but y'all these walks. Listening to music and going at the pace of the songs and being free. The freedom of being outside. When I was a child I played outside alot. My imagination ran wild. My father's parents had a big open yard and the neighborhood kids and would play on my grandfather's tractor. Hide and seek was hiding in my grandfathers combine. 

BBQ was good for the weekend and family gatherings where always fun filled with gossip about people in the town. 

 I miss times that that. 

Change is very scary and I'm trying to figure it out. 

Drive

We live or we love in the moment. Often times we say to ourselves "What is it that keeps me from being unable to be great?". I for one don't know the answer to that question. But what I do know is that at this moment in my life, with the world in a f***** up shambles. The world is very scary. It's stressful, it's depressing, it's enraging, and it makes me scared sometimes for the next day. Should I even think about the future when all I have is today.? Do I have what it takes to get me through the shenanigans that we're going through right now. 

So yesterday I was listening to Pandora and I always skipped the song that comes on it's by Incubus called Drive. And I sat there at my desk with my earphones in, and really listen to those lyrics. About fear and letting it literally drive me to non-existence of a life but taking it head on and literally taking the steering wheel and drive. And I think that I listen to that song at least five times yesterday. I don't know why, it just kept hitting everything in me yesterday. To the point to where I had to go look up the lyrics just to make sure I heard what I was listening to. And it gave me some motivation. I just started moving my body I started walking around in the office I went outside on my lunch break and walk for 30 minutes came home and did it work out and did the same thing today. It was like I have been sitting in the driver's seat of fear for such a long time now I had to get up and literally move our quote unquote transport myself and actually physically press the gas and drive. 

I know I know what you're going to say it's kind of silly but hear me out please. Music has always been my thing ever since I was a teenager. And living in the times that we live in now to me it's kind of hard to relate to anything on the radio and I always am looking for some kind of inspiration. Mind you that this song came out in 2000s era and that is my area of music. But I wasn't into that whole alternative genre unless it was like Matchbox 20 or Arvil . Yeah, I know I'm old it's okay. But it just started me thinking about the words that we take in, the things that we read and how it affects, our mood, our aura, our attitude, and our vibe. And this one song change My vibe yesterday. And I was so happy. 

This morning when I got to work, I'm usually I'm the first one there. I put on my earphones and I was listening to some other music and I just walked back and forth around the office to get some steps in before I had to get on the phone. And just enjoying the moment. And I think so far in my second week of this 90-day whatever it is I'm going through self-reflection self-care self-awareness. This has taught me a lot and I'm learning patience and the things that used to bother me aren't bothering me anymore or I'm not letting it get to me right now. So I'm enjoying it. So if you're ever in a dump listen to your favorite song and just keep it going. So I'm going to do a list of some of the songs that has been helping me out this past two weeks to get me motivated and you guys share yours.

1. Mariah Carey -Make it happen

2. Incubus- Drive

3.Little Mix- Bounce Back

4. Janet Jackson- Together Again

5. Wanda-Dont worry about it. 

90days

I'll be 37 in about 90 Days. So what I'm doing is a 90 day self improvement and awareness for myself. This week.... Sleep. Trying to get a hold on my sleeping schedule. So far two days in good. Also I've been journaling. I've discovered laughing is the best thing for rest. You see, I work a place where it's just me and one other person. She cracks me up and then I start going in. It's amazing. I look forward to coming to work. Never thought I would ever say that. For now.  

Tomorrow is not promised. For so long, I've wondered and lived in my daydreams. My daydreams is the perfect escape from the reality that I live. It's my safety net and makes me believe in the good things that will never come true. Sounds like a bad life. Yep. It is.  It's where it just in the mint of finding something better than me. 

All of the scenarios and dreams. I'm not sure if I should share them. It will make me look crazy. Since I dream doing the day, the night is so loud. 

fuck salads I want carbs

So it has come to my attention that I need to lose weight. I hate that because I feel like I have been trying to lose weight all of my adult life. And since the advancement of social media, I have seen myself comparing myself to others quite frequently. Whether or not I have long natural hair to a nice skinny but thick body, to wondering if I look good, what's wrong with me, why can't I abcefg. And I've noticed now that when I'm looking at a picture even though in my mind I know his doctor, it's still influence me a lot and makes me compare myself to that individual. And part of them is to influence that's why they are called influencers. To influence the mass influence and each other. I often say to myself what is it about them that is so great that I lack so much, that it looks like they're having the perfect life and still photos and filters. That's my hardest thing right now that's my my Achilles heel. What do I have to do to have a beautiful fake profile picture like that?? So where do I go from here? How do I stop comparing myself to others?

To be honest with you I don't have the answer to that question at all. But I do know that the something I need to work on a lot. So like the title says f a salad I want carbs. For the past 3 weeks I have been on this quote on quote eat better regiment. Cuz I hate the word diet. And I've been very blessed to have a co-worker who's going through that same thing and I just never really had that encouragement and I know I need to do something. But it's a lot of work. I'm no stranger to hard work don't get me wrong it's just that I like discipline and accountability at all costs that's just always been my thing that's just always been my lack of motivation to continue with what I start. And I think that that's going to be one of the hardest things for me throughout this process. I had a doctor's appointment this past week and I thought I had lost weight woohoo I'm not afraid to say how much I wait I'm 5'3, 220 lb. I thought I was 215. But their skill knows different than I know. I felt disgusted when I saw the scale I came home and looked at every single role on my body dimple cellulite and I'm not getting any younger I'm pushing more 40 that I am 30 right now. And it got me thinking about life and how much more I want to do with my life that I've never gave myself the chance to do so because I felt inadequate with my abilities including my weight and size to do more with life. So therefore I've never dated I've cancel events that I would like to go through more solely due to lack of money, and I've deprived myself on the life that I've always wanted to have but neglected myself in the process of depriving myself of those moments and memories and adventures that most people have. And now here we are in a crazy ass world and I feel like I'm more terrified than ever cuz there's some crazy ass people out here and I feel like it being desperate mode to try something new. And who would want to be with me anyways that's where my mind is going. And then that's where I go back to the comparison thing and I see the perfect bodies perfect scenery and realize I missed out on not or did I really??

So throughout this process of April I hope to document my frustrations and feelings and hopefully gratitude of my feelings and changes throughout these next couple of weeks. Join me as we go through this process of change. Who wants to change? Change is very very hard. Believe me I hate change just like anybody else. So here are the things that I want to change number one I want to change my ongoing negative thoughts and behaviors and how I be myself. Number two I want to treat myself the way I would like others to treat me or have treated me. Number three Love myself the way others love me. Mean what I say that was number four. And really start putting an effort to get the life that I want and deserve and not wait for approval or aberrations from others because I'm seek approval and I seek praise and I seek affirmation.