fuck salads I want carbs

So it has come to my attention that I need to lose weight. I hate that because I feel like I have been trying to lose weight all of my adult life. And since the advancement of social media, I have seen myself comparing myself to others quite frequently. Whether or not I have long natural hair to a nice skinny but thick body, to wondering if I look good, what's wrong with me, why can't I abcefg. And I've noticed now that when I'm looking at a picture even though in my mind I know his doctor, it's still influence me a lot and makes me compare myself to that individual. And part of them is to influence that's why they are called influencers. To influence the mass influence and each other. I often say to myself what is it about them that is so great that I lack so much, that it looks like they're having the perfect life and still photos and filters. That's my hardest thing right now that's my my Achilles heel. What do I have to do to have a beautiful fake profile picture like that?? So where do I go from here? How do I stop comparing myself to others?

To be honest with you I don't have the answer to that question at all. But I do know that the something I need to work on a lot. So like the title says f a salad I want carbs. For the past 3 weeks I have been on this quote on quote eat better regiment. Cuz I hate the word diet. And I've been very blessed to have a co-worker who's going through that same thing and I just never really had that encouragement and I know I need to do something. But it's a lot of work. I'm no stranger to hard work don't get me wrong it's just that I like discipline and accountability at all costs that's just always been my thing that's just always been my lack of motivation to continue with what I start. And I think that that's going to be one of the hardest things for me throughout this process. I had a doctor's appointment this past week and I thought I had lost weight woohoo I'm not afraid to say how much I wait I'm 5'3, 220 lb. I thought I was 215. But their skill knows different than I know. I felt disgusted when I saw the scale I came home and looked at every single role on my body dimple cellulite and I'm not getting any younger I'm pushing more 40 that I am 30 right now. And it got me thinking about life and how much more I want to do with my life that I've never gave myself the chance to do so because I felt inadequate with my abilities including my weight and size to do more with life. So therefore I've never dated I've cancel events that I would like to go through more solely due to lack of money, and I've deprived myself on the life that I've always wanted to have but neglected myself in the process of depriving myself of those moments and memories and adventures that most people have. And now here we are in a crazy ass world and I feel like I'm more terrified than ever cuz there's some crazy ass people out here and I feel like it being desperate mode to try something new. And who would want to be with me anyways that's where my mind is going. And then that's where I go back to the comparison thing and I see the perfect bodies perfect scenery and realize I missed out on not or did I really??

So throughout this process of April I hope to document my frustrations and feelings and hopefully gratitude of my feelings and changes throughout these next couple of weeks. Join me as we go through this process of change. Who wants to change? Change is very very hard. Believe me I hate change just like anybody else. So here are the things that I want to change number one I want to change my ongoing negative thoughts and behaviors and how I be myself. Number two I want to treat myself the way I would like others to treat me or have treated me. Number three Love myself the way others love me. Mean what I say that was number four. And really start putting an effort to get the life that I want and deserve and not wait for approval or aberrations from others because I'm seek approval and I seek praise and I seek affirmation.