Interview Exchange Program

So it has been about 3 weeks since I've been laidoff. I have had few job interviews. One was for a MAT program -- MAT meaning medication assitance treatment program for recovery addicts. An old co-worker of mine works. It has been a year since I have worked in addictions. Been enjoying the break from it. I went to the interview -- it was an hour and change away from where I live. The drive was nice and very long and whiny. I pulled up to the builiding. It was in a skeckty area. The waiting room was old with date interior. 2 windows with staff. I had texted my friend that works there to let her that I have arrived. We saw each other and I was so happy to see her and was grateful for mention to interview. The person in charge was nice and welcome. The interview was basic, asking me questions like are you comfortable with a 50 person caseload, coming in at 5am to work and how far to you live from here. My axienty went into overload. While the job seemed good, I knew that the drive was not that great for me. The person offered to forward my resume to a closer location near my home. Two days I get a am email from another location asking to meet with me. I confirmed that that cretain location that was told that my resume was going to was fully staffed and that my resume was forwarded to anonther location and little bit farther but close. I went to the interview. First thing was filling out an application. I met briefly with that person in charge. This time the vibe felt off. Like why do you have 3 open spots. Once again the place was old and smelled of mildrew. After my interview with her, she sent me over to another person who was the clinical driector. Not before having me pee in a cup. In my mind Im like this is too fast and you havent even checked my refrences. I knew then, you just want a body here. It was empyty. The clinical director office smelled of bath and bodyworks porturri. My head was starting to hurt. She is asking me a buttload of questions and talking to me. My head was telling me that I need a job but heart was saying run for the hills. I was happy when it ended. The drive home was not too bad. When I got home something told to call another location that was 20 mins from. They admitted to me to that they were hiring. And the email my resume to them. Yes I know that said I didnt feel right about the job but at this point Im going off surivival mode. That is my comfort. Thinking of every horrible thing that can come to past. I arrived at the facility and it was all just like the other facilities were old and dated. Very small but large and very much slow. As I was filling out the application I was called into the clinical directors office. She was older woman with another person in the room. I go into her office and there was with this extra large mahogany wood brown table as she sitting behind it very much and I don't care mode. She ended up taking one glance at my résumé and asked how are you able to get your licensure in a short amount of time I explain to her that I have been working in addictions and social services for a while, and I was able to obtain the beginning of my licensure at an earlier time in 2017. She said well once again how are you able to do that? Do you even have a degree? And I said yeah it's on my résumé. I have a bachelors degree. I've been doing this for a long time, and then she said , how was the training for you? Did you have a CI? And I said yes, I had a CI and we had weekly meetings and I did groups in some case management and some individuals and sat in on lead therapist individual sessions and family sessions. I was able to conduct a few. And she said well, it seem like you didn't do enough to earn your hours and we have a 50 person caseload and we have Medicare and how would I know if you'll be able to even write documentation if you weren't taught those things. I let her know that I have I've been able to write documentations for a very long time, including assessments, and I've been doing intakes for a very long time and yes, I may need a refresher, but I should be able to do the job . She said well it seems like you didn't have enough training and that is something that we harp on here, we can get to training you but you have to start from scratch with you because we don't know your ability. Mind you I am sitting there feeling defeated at this moment because I felt like I shouldn't have to argue my ability and my skills and you're questioning me on everything. And so I told her that I have been unable to pass the test and she said oh well tell me what is an assessment, is tell me what a screening is, was so nervous I was giving her definitions that she said no that's wrong that's what this is or its meaning. She went on this say, How are you gonna be able to work here if you don't know the basic definition of those. She went her soapbox about having to retrain others that has come to her. I was so mortified and I was like am I reading too much into this. And I don't know what to do. I just was waiting for this to be over and so I can go home and cry. And I know my worth least I thought I did at that moment and it feel like I didn't but I just left a bad taste in my mouth. It was just like I've done all of this for nothing and the more,more I thought about it the more I was like I really don't wanna work in this industry anymore. I know how it makes me feel and I'm feeling that way right now. And the way she treated me in her office maybe it was constructive criticism but maybe I took it a different way but it just felt it just didn't feel right. So finally, the interview concluded I still have the application in my hand. She wanted me to show her proof that I had my certification intern status cause I still have Internet status because I haven't passed test. It was just like I've done all of this for nothing and the more more I thought about it the more I was like I really don't wanna work in this industry anymore. I know how it makes me feel and I'm feeling that way right now. And the way she treated me in her office maybe it was constructive criticism or maybe I took it in a different way but it just felt it just didn't feel right. So finally, the interview concluded I still have the application in my hand. She wanted me to show her proof that I had my certification intern status cause I still have Intern status because I haven't passed test. If you look at the state that I am at you will be able to see that by my name and my date of birth what my license your number is and when it expires. I told her that I would bring it back with my rest with my application. I let the front office staff know that I'll be back that Monday was a holiday. I went in my car and I ripped up my application and I just went home and just keep applying to more jobs and that is where we are now And it's it's a process as everything is in life but that right there I did not feel good about. Most people probably tell me to suck it up buttercup and just do what you Gotta do but I just didn't want that and she hasn't called so I figured she wasn't gonna call at all and I'm OK with that .

Recycling again

So its been a min. since Ive been here. Last year I had started a new job after being laid off. Here I am once again laid off again. Second time in 2 years. I question myself alot. Im 37 and have no idea what I want to do with my life. Theraphy has not helped me figure that out yet. I remember when I was younger I wanted to be a baby doctor AKA OB-GYN. Then I watched TLC a BabY story and was like nope. Went to College to become a sociologist and even got into grad school. Only to withdrawal due to the fact I felt like I couldn't do it or live up the hype of it. Lesson of the day = queen of self -sabotage. You see I don't ever trust my decisions that I make. I always want perfect but I know that it doesnt exist. My years of people pleasing and wanting to fit it has caught up with me and the loneiest of the loneist hour feels like daily reminders of how fuck I have made my life thus far. I guess this year its time to get to know me. When I think about my life -- I have always struggled. I see others living and thriving and I feel so left behind. Latebloomer to everything because of trauma and low self- esteem, sometimes I feel too late to do anything worthwhile. Constant cycle of starting and stopping is too much for me. Maybe its because Ive been running on survival and not trusting the process.

metamorphosis

Hi it's me again. Life has been good so for. Walking everyday at my lunch. Clearing my mind. It's great to get out in the sun and feel the breeze. 

Lately it's been good clearing my mind. Hard as life is, it's scary the way the world is with high prices everywhere. Im scare of being homeless and without. But the energy and knowing that God has me is an ease unlike any thing. 

Finding peace is hard but y'all these walks. Listening to music and going at the pace of the songs and being free. The freedom of being outside. When I was a child I played outside alot. My imagination ran wild. My father's parents had a big open yard and the neighborhood kids and would play on my grandfather's tractor. Hide and seek was hiding in my grandfathers combine. 

BBQ was good for the weekend and family gatherings where always fun filled with gossip about people in the town. 

 I miss times that that. 

Change is very scary and I'm trying to figure it out. 

Drive

We live or we love in the moment. Often times we say to ourselves "What is it that keeps me from being unable to be great?". I for one don't know the answer to that question. But what I do know is that at this moment in my life, with the world in a f***** up shambles. The world is very scary. It's stressful, it's depressing, it's enraging, and it makes me scared sometimes for the next day. Should I even think about the future when all I have is today.? Do I have what it takes to get me through the shenanigans that we're going through right now. 

So yesterday I was listening to Pandora and I always skipped the song that comes on it's by Incubus called Drive. And I sat there at my desk with my earphones in, and really listen to those lyrics. About fear and letting it literally drive me to non-existence of a life but taking it head on and literally taking the steering wheel and drive. And I think that I listen to that song at least five times yesterday. I don't know why, it just kept hitting everything in me yesterday. To the point to where I had to go look up the lyrics just to make sure I heard what I was listening to. And it gave me some motivation. I just started moving my body I started walking around in the office I went outside on my lunch break and walk for 30 minutes came home and did it work out and did the same thing today. It was like I have been sitting in the driver's seat of fear for such a long time now I had to get up and literally move our quote unquote transport myself and actually physically press the gas and drive. 

I know I know what you're going to say it's kind of silly but hear me out please. Music has always been my thing ever since I was a teenager. And living in the times that we live in now to me it's kind of hard to relate to anything on the radio and I always am looking for some kind of inspiration. Mind you that this song came out in 2000s era and that is my area of music. But I wasn't into that whole alternative genre unless it was like Matchbox 20 or Arvil . Yeah, I know I'm old it's okay. But it just started me thinking about the words that we take in, the things that we read and how it affects, our mood, our aura, our attitude, and our vibe. And this one song change My vibe yesterday. And I was so happy. 

This morning when I got to work, I'm usually I'm the first one there. I put on my earphones and I was listening to some other music and I just walked back and forth around the office to get some steps in before I had to get on the phone. And just enjoying the moment. And I think so far in my second week of this 90-day whatever it is I'm going through self-reflection self-care self-awareness. This has taught me a lot and I'm learning patience and the things that used to bother me aren't bothering me anymore or I'm not letting it get to me right now. So I'm enjoying it. So if you're ever in a dump listen to your favorite song and just keep it going. So I'm going to do a list of some of the songs that has been helping me out this past two weeks to get me motivated and you guys share yours.

1. Mariah Carey -Make it happen

2. Incubus- Drive

3.Little Mix- Bounce Back

4. Janet Jackson- Together Again

5. Wanda-Dont worry about it. 

90days

I'll be 37 in about 90 Days. So what I'm doing is a 90 day self improvement and awareness for myself. This week.... Sleep. Trying to get a hold on my sleeping schedule. So far two days in good. Also I've been journaling. I've discovered laughing is the best thing for rest. You see, I work a place where it's just me and one other person. She cracks me up and then I start going in. It's amazing. I look forward to coming to work. Never thought I would ever say that. For now.  

Tomorrow is not promised. For so long, I've wondered and lived in my daydreams. My daydreams is the perfect escape from the reality that I live. It's my safety net and makes me believe in the good things that will never come true. Sounds like a bad life. Yep. It is.  It's where it just in the mint of finding something better than me. 

All of the scenarios and dreams. I'm not sure if I should share them. It will make me look crazy. Since I dream doing the day, the night is so loud. 

fuck salads I want carbs

So it has come to my attention that I need to lose weight. I hate that because I feel like I have been trying to lose weight all of my adult life. And since the advancement of social media, I have seen myself comparing myself to others quite frequently. Whether or not I have long natural hair to a nice skinny but thick body, to wondering if I look good, what's wrong with me, why can't I abcefg. And I've noticed now that when I'm looking at a picture even though in my mind I know his doctor, it's still influence me a lot and makes me compare myself to that individual. And part of them is to influence that's why they are called influencers. To influence the mass influence and each other. I often say to myself what is it about them that is so great that I lack so much, that it looks like they're having the perfect life and still photos and filters. That's my hardest thing right now that's my my Achilles heel. What do I have to do to have a beautiful fake profile picture like that?? So where do I go from here? How do I stop comparing myself to others?

To be honest with you I don't have the answer to that question at all. But I do know that the something I need to work on a lot. So like the title says f a salad I want carbs. For the past 3 weeks I have been on this quote on quote eat better regiment. Cuz I hate the word diet. And I've been very blessed to have a co-worker who's going through that same thing and I just never really had that encouragement and I know I need to do something. But it's a lot of work. I'm no stranger to hard work don't get me wrong it's just that I like discipline and accountability at all costs that's just always been my thing that's just always been my lack of motivation to continue with what I start. And I think that that's going to be one of the hardest things for me throughout this process. I had a doctor's appointment this past week and I thought I had lost weight woohoo I'm not afraid to say how much I wait I'm 5'3, 220 lb. I thought I was 215. But their skill knows different than I know. I felt disgusted when I saw the scale I came home and looked at every single role on my body dimple cellulite and I'm not getting any younger I'm pushing more 40 that I am 30 right now. And it got me thinking about life and how much more I want to do with my life that I've never gave myself the chance to do so because I felt inadequate with my abilities including my weight and size to do more with life. So therefore I've never dated I've cancel events that I would like to go through more solely due to lack of money, and I've deprived myself on the life that I've always wanted to have but neglected myself in the process of depriving myself of those moments and memories and adventures that most people have. And now here we are in a crazy ass world and I feel like I'm more terrified than ever cuz there's some crazy ass people out here and I feel like it being desperate mode to try something new. And who would want to be with me anyways that's where my mind is going. And then that's where I go back to the comparison thing and I see the perfect bodies perfect scenery and realize I missed out on not or did I really??

So throughout this process of April I hope to document my frustrations and feelings and hopefully gratitude of my feelings and changes throughout these next couple of weeks. Join me as we go through this process of change. Who wants to change? Change is very very hard. Believe me I hate change just like anybody else. So here are the things that I want to change number one I want to change my ongoing negative thoughts and behaviors and how I be myself. Number two I want to treat myself the way I would like others to treat me or have treated me. Number three Love myself the way others love me. Mean what I say that was number four. And really start putting an effort to get the life that I want and deserve and not wait for approval or aberrations from others because I'm seek approval and I seek praise and I seek affirmation.

feelings

It's my PMDD kicking in. Telling me am worthless and not good. Not loveable or wanted. Not able or needed. Not heard or respected. Not me or it. 

Yes I have one good week before my period

 After that the fireworks in my head go off. I make stupid decisions and they come at a cost of self-sabotage and regret. 

The lows keep coming and finding the shovel to dig out is out of sight. So I just deal. Pmdd has changed me and it's gotten intense or the past 6months. 

I can hold a job but can't keep goals. I spend effortlessly with funds I don't have, then I end up with tags looking at me. For now I feel lost and out of space. Life passing me by. Looking at everyone has a plan and doing well and I just can't stick to a decision. Scared of making mistakes. 

No  one says it would be easy no. But I just want freedom in my mind to breathe. It feels cloudy and fermented with saddeness, fear, worry and complicated unknown situations that never have happened. 

It tells me that I'll died alone without purpose and no one would love me. 

Telling those thoughts to shut up is easier said then done. It keeps me up at night. Sleep at minimum. 

I do have a therapist. I don't think or know how to explain how I feel about this. 

I guess I'll keep working on myself while trying not to stuff.