Does Misery really love company?

For some resaon its been ruff lately. It feels like misery everyday. I can't help not being unhappy. When I fall asleep all I feel is grief and madness. What is up with that? When will it all end? When will peace come in and say ok you are well and then just like that Im well. I think that I having axienty over being fired last year and its arising now at my current job. I feel like its nothing that I can do hide that. It like Im alawys trying to guess what the next thing disappointment is going to be. Sad to think like that I know but at this moment that is how I am feeling. Thinking about the past year has been crazy. 2 hospital stays and more debt accumalating from that and feeling ignored. How you walked into a room in a room full oe people and you feel alone in the crowd? I do everyday. I work in a population where there are very vunlerable people and I feel that I am inadquated to do my job because I havent lived a life of many trials. Actually I feel like the Im the causlty of everyone story. Im a product of a teen pregancy. Had an absentee father, emotionally absent mother. All I know is that story.. How can I arise to a diffrent story? Today I am just expressing the major axienty that I have been having lately. Its too for me right now. There is no happiness to be happy about. My body feels it.

For the Departed?

 Ive been gone-- I got a new job working back in the field that I had been trying to escape. Thankfully the place is close to my home. If you worked at one place then you have worked at all of them.  I started in February as a tech again. I hated it. But I needed to work to pay the bills and I know that jobs are temporary hints when I got fired. 

In March- to early April, I got a promotion. Me a promotion. I someone who hides in the background not wanting to be notices let alone heard. Working in admissions was a dream come true. I didn't have a caseload nor direct care just groups and that was it. I liked it. I wasn't trained at all I just went in and did it. Then everyone started quitting ans such. It was crazy. Since I've been here I have seen 9 people quit and I have been here for 6 months now. 

Then currently, my job title got dissolved due to a a electronic medical record systems where only another department takes over admissions and now Im a case manager. I don't like it. I feel ike I don't know what I am doing.  I have a case load and I hate being responsible for others . While Im grateful for a job, I so ready for a change.  

 May and This month has been hard. I had 2 blood transfusions for heavy bleeding. 

Unemployment and Society

It has been about 4 and 1/2 to 5 months since I have been let go from my job as a sixth grade teacher. On this journey I have found that not all jobs are created equal and that I've been fortunate to have the time to go visit family doing this time. I'm very blessed that I had has unemployment to help me with this journey because I don't know how I would have been able to make bills let alone pay for food as well as to assist some people from our church as well. But I think about those that are as fortunate and as blessed as I am, I mean the rent is going up but the job salaries are still the same that's what I'm dealing with now. It's hard to Fathom whether you have to choose to pay the light bill or your car note. And shouldn't have to be a choice, it should be okay here it is I have money for both and I should have to go hungry and I should be able to have a car note and have my own car note the transportation to get me to point A to point B. While this journey has been very tedious and frustrating, I'm grateful because I feel like I'm worth fighting for worth the struggle but Lord knows I am tired of the struggle. when is it going to be my turn to have happy thoughts and all that stuff so yes I know it's going to happen soon.

Thanksgiving?

Good evening--
 I hope that everyone has had a great holiday. My family had an eventful holiday. The day started well. My Stepfather was rushed to the hospital and stayed there for 3 days. It was scary. My stepfather never tells us if he feels bad or anything. He just works and sleeps. While he was at work he had a seizure-- it turns out it was from meds that had been taken but his stomach was swollen. When I arrived, he had tubes inserted in his nose and the machine was pumping outgas. I watched my mother stand by her husband -- she never left his side. It was bittersweet. He is ok now.

Next, there was a phone call from my aunt about my Grandmother in Philadelphia. My grandmother has been becoming forgetful. During the Thanksgiving process, she put vanilla scented hand sanitize in a cake that she was making bu mistake. SO my aunt asked that we come to see her and hopefully next year her " illness" doesn't progress.

Holiday use to be fun and joyous. It doesn't feel the same anymore. Through I enjoy memories, watching my grandparents get older, the progression of life hits me. Like damn, time waits for no one.

Therapy

Usually, life hands us a series of battles whether its life or death, trials, and grief, or love and war. ( Yes I listen to Tamar Braxton-- Singing weeeee staay on the front line.... lol) This past week was mentally and emotionally draining for me. This was the point I needed to see my therapist again. Lately, well since the first of the year until about March I was politely told by my therapist to fly like a bird being pushed from the nest. OMG. I was scared. I mean I knew it was coming but jeez -- It hit me like" man I have to do this on my own now. I don't trust myself and my thoughts. The decisions that I make will solely be on me. Well, its have always been on me in reality, but having another person's perspective or approval is what I have always wanted.
So back to modern times, this past week was crazy, from dealing with my Grandmother's dementia after living in denial, unemployment and then coming back to some though conversations. I felt my depression getting worst and worst. I called her up thankful, she worked with me and my budget and was able to see her which is rare cause she is always booked. I felt so fatigued and down. I have not been sleeping and all I do is laying in the bed living in my fantasy world of being a superstar with no problems. After my session, I felt better but still unsure about everything.  The next morning I felt refreshed hoping that I stop creating the patterns that recur every year in the same way. I want more from myself but getting the motivation is hard to continue or even start. Im grateful for the interviews that I had this past week. But I feel like something is missing and I can't for the life of me figure it out.

Is it me that change doesn't happen cause I am afraid to start or even be in the mist true and pure happiness.
Church on Sunday was great. It took a different route that I was not expecting titled," Greatness in Darkness," it spoke life to me. Because it made seemed ok not to know. I am not supposed to know everything.

 

Family

For the past couple of days, I've been spending time in the Midwest. Since I've moved back to Texas, I have grown accustomed to everything fast pace and modern. My family is from a small town. There is no grocery stores. Barley Wi-fi. 1 car lot. 1 post office. 3 museums. 1 stoplight. No gas stations. 2 schools, 2 liquor stores. 2 local Resturants.  2 Dollar generals.  And a church on every corner.  Like any small town in the USA, everyone knows everyone's business and who died that day. The desperation for change is there but who is the one to step up the plate to create it.

We arrived on Thursday night. My grandparents are in their mid-seventies. Paw-  Paw what I call my grandfather is and has always been my BFF. Its because my father his son was only in and out of my life when it was ok for him. My grandfather has been consistence. My Grandmother, smart- quick wit, looks like half of the person that she was. Her mind used to be sharp and on point. Now she is forgetful, asking questions over and over again. It's like she is there but not. Dementia has slowly taken her. I'm not used to witnessing this. My grandmother was a town talker. She knew everything and everybody. My reality of her and my fantasy of her is contaminated. She moved slow and pacing around the house back and forth.

My heart is weak from the thought of her going through this. I  must say that she had 2 strokes within the past 2- 3 years plus she has lost relatives close to her.

On thoughts on moving back-- NO. It was good for what it was. No energy felt from me to home. I miss them but its nothing like being on my own.

Whats Next

Often times, during those moments of despair we seek reassure from those letting us know that everything will work out.  When life turns you upside down. Reimagined images of the day I got let go was still plays in my head. Thinking could I have said something? Would I have made the situation better?, Was this for me? Am I this horrible person that I see and think of when I think of all this? This is the stage that I'm at today. The worry and the fear of everything have taken over. Being at home has my mind going all over the place. Thinking about all the goals that I had set for myself. Not even half of them I have achieved. Am I feeling disappointed? Yes. Can I control what happen? No. Can I learn to forgive? Trying to. Can I forget? I don't know yet.

So What is next? That  I don't know. Do I set new goals or do I continue with the ones that I have? So many questions that my mind feels like it will implore. I hate the fact that I feel this way.

Humm. Well in order for me to get this goal together, I need to let go and let GOD.
Merriam-Webster defines GOAL SETTING- Goals is the end towards which effort is directed--

What you say?
 Goals can be anything you or I want it to be. i.e. You to-do list- daily set up a time and place and what you want to achieve.

Lets simplified this:
SMART Goals
BE:
Specific
Measurable
Attainable
Relevant
Time-Bound

Long term and short term goals can be just as simple
Long term is 6 months to 1year
Short term is 1-6 months.

I believed that I make some short term goals this season. There are only 2 months in 2019.  I have to do something to manifest with what I need and want. The growth is necessary for change.



Wisdom= Be brave enough to be bad at something new.