Good evening--
I hope that everyone has had a great holiday. My family had an eventful holiday. The day started well. My Stepfather was rushed to the hospital and stayed there for 3 days. It was scary. My stepfather never tells us if he feels bad or anything. He just works and sleeps. While he was at work he had a seizure-- it turns out it was from meds that had been taken but his stomach was swollen. When I arrived, he had tubes inserted in his nose and the machine was pumping outgas. I watched my mother stand by her husband -- she never left his side. It was bittersweet. He is ok now.
Next, there was a phone call from my aunt about my Grandmother in Philadelphia. My grandmother has been becoming forgetful. During the Thanksgiving process, she put vanilla scented hand sanitize in a cake that she was making bu mistake. SO my aunt asked that we come to see her and hopefully next year her " illness" doesn't progress.
Holiday use to be fun and joyous. It doesn't feel the same anymore. Through I enjoy memories, watching my grandparents get older, the progression of life hits me. Like damn, time waits for no one.
Tuesday, December 3, 2019
Tuesday, November 19, 2019
Therapy
Usually, life hands us a series of battles whether its life or death, trials, and grief, or love and war. ( Yes I listen to Tamar Braxton-- Singing weeeee staay on the front line.... lol) This past week was mentally and emotionally draining for me. This was the point I needed to see my therapist again. Lately, well since the first of the year until about March I was politely told by my therapist to fly like a bird being pushed from the nest. OMG. I was scared. I mean I knew it was coming but jeez -- It hit me like" man I have to do this on my own now. I don't trust myself and my thoughts. The decisions that I make will solely be on me. Well, its have always been on me in reality, but having another person's perspective or approval is what I have always wanted.
So back to modern times, this past week was crazy, from dealing with my Grandmother's dementia after living in denial, unemployment and then coming back to some though conversations. I felt my depression getting worst and worst. I called her up thankful, she worked with me and my budget and was able to see her which is rare cause she is always booked. I felt so fatigued and down. I have not been sleeping and all I do is laying in the bed living in my fantasy world of being a superstar with no problems. After my session, I felt better but still unsure about everything. The next morning I felt refreshed hoping that I stop creating the patterns that recur every year in the same way. I want more from myself but getting the motivation is hard to continue or even start. Im grateful for the interviews that I had this past week. But I feel like something is missing and I can't for the life of me figure it out.
Is it me that change doesn't happen cause I am afraid to start or even be in the mist true and pure happiness.
Church on Sunday was great. It took a different route that I was not expecting titled," Greatness in Darkness," it spoke life to me. Because it made seemed ok not to know. I am not supposed to know everything.
So back to modern times, this past week was crazy, from dealing with my Grandmother's dementia after living in denial, unemployment and then coming back to some though conversations. I felt my depression getting worst and worst. I called her up thankful, she worked with me and my budget and was able to see her which is rare cause she is always booked. I felt so fatigued and down. I have not been sleeping and all I do is laying in the bed living in my fantasy world of being a superstar with no problems. After my session, I felt better but still unsure about everything. The next morning I felt refreshed hoping that I stop creating the patterns that recur every year in the same way. I want more from myself but getting the motivation is hard to continue or even start. Im grateful for the interviews that I had this past week. But I feel like something is missing and I can't for the life of me figure it out.
Is it me that change doesn't happen cause I am afraid to start or even be in the mist true and pure happiness.
Church on Sunday was great. It took a different route that I was not expecting titled," Greatness in Darkness," it spoke life to me. Because it made seemed ok not to know. I am not supposed to know everything.
Monday, November 11, 2019
Family
For the past couple of days, I've been spending time in the Midwest. Since I've moved back to Texas, I have grown accustomed to everything fast pace and modern. My family is from a small town. There is no grocery stores. Barley Wi-fi. 1 car lot. 1 post office. 3 museums. 1 stoplight. No gas stations. 2 schools, 2 liquor stores. 2 local Resturants. 2 Dollar generals. And a church on every corner. Like any small town in the USA, everyone knows everyone's business and who died that day. The desperation for change is there but who is the one to step up the plate to create it.
We arrived on Thursday night. My grandparents are in their mid-seventies. Paw- Paw what I call my grandfather is and has always been my BFF. Its because my father his son was only in and out of my life when it was ok for him. My grandfather has been consistence. My Grandmother, smart- quick wit, looks like half of the person that she was. Her mind used to be sharp and on point. Now she is forgetful, asking questions over and over again. It's like she is there but not. Dementia has slowly taken her. I'm not used to witnessing this. My grandmother was a town talker. She knew everything and everybody. My reality of her and my fantasy of her is contaminated. She moved slow and pacing around the house back and forth.
My heart is weak from the thought of her going through this. I must say that she had 2 strokes within the past 2- 3 years plus she has lost relatives close to her.
On thoughts on moving back-- NO. It was good for what it was. No energy felt from me to home. I miss them but its nothing like being on my own.
We arrived on Thursday night. My grandparents are in their mid-seventies. Paw- Paw what I call my grandfather is and has always been my BFF. Its because my father his son was only in and out of my life when it was ok for him. My grandfather has been consistence. My Grandmother, smart- quick wit, looks like half of the person that she was. Her mind used to be sharp and on point. Now she is forgetful, asking questions over and over again. It's like she is there but not. Dementia has slowly taken her. I'm not used to witnessing this. My grandmother was a town talker. She knew everything and everybody. My reality of her and my fantasy of her is contaminated. She moved slow and pacing around the house back and forth.
My heart is weak from the thought of her going through this. I must say that she had 2 strokes within the past 2- 3 years plus she has lost relatives close to her.
On thoughts on moving back-- NO. It was good for what it was. No energy felt from me to home. I miss them but its nothing like being on my own.
Monday, October 28, 2019
Whats Next
Often times, during those moments of despair we seek reassure from those letting us know that everything will work out. When life turns you upside down. Reimagined images of the day I got let go was still plays in my head. Thinking could I have said something? Would I have made the situation better?, Was this for me? Am I this horrible person that I see and think of when I think of all this? This is the stage that I'm at today. The worry and the fear of everything have taken over. Being at home has my mind going all over the place. Thinking about all the goals that I had set for myself. Not even half of them I have achieved. Am I feeling disappointed? Yes. Can I control what happen? No. Can I learn to forgive? Trying to. Can I forget? I don't know yet.
So What is next? That I don't know. Do I set new goals or do I continue with the ones that I have? So many questions that my mind feels like it will implore. I hate the fact that I feel this way.
Humm. Well in order for me to get this goal together, I need to let go and let GOD.
Merriam-Webster defines GOAL SETTING- Goals is the end towards which effort is directed--
What you say?
Goals can be anything you or I want it to be. i.e. You to-do list- daily set up a time and place and what you want to achieve.
Lets simplified this:
SMART Goals
BE:
Specific
Measurable
Attainable
Relevant
Time-Bound
Long term and short term goals can be just as simple
Long term is 6 months to 1year
Short term is 1-6 months.
I believed that I make some short term goals this season. There are only 2 months in 2019. I have to do something to manifest with what I need and want. The growth is necessary for change.
Wisdom= Be brave enough to be bad at something new.
So What is next? That I don't know. Do I set new goals or do I continue with the ones that I have? So many questions that my mind feels like it will implore. I hate the fact that I feel this way.
Humm. Well in order for me to get this goal together, I need to let go and let GOD.
Merriam-Webster defines GOAL SETTING- Goals is the end towards which effort is directed--
What you say?
Goals can be anything you or I want it to be. i.e. You to-do list- daily set up a time and place and what you want to achieve.
Lets simplified this:
SMART Goals
BE:
Specific
Measurable
Attainable
Relevant
Time-Bound
Long term and short term goals can be just as simple
Long term is 6 months to 1year
Short term is 1-6 months.
I believed that I make some short term goals this season. There are only 2 months in 2019. I have to do something to manifest with what I need and want. The growth is necessary for change.
Wisdom= Be brave enough to be bad at something new.
Sunday, October 20, 2019
Now that Im Fired...
One thing that I have noticed that is that since I've been fired (going on a month), my mental health has been going up and down. One moment I'm happy and content then the next I'm sad and feeling shame.
I know that from reading my last post, it would seem like a Godsent that things happen the way it did. But being in manic mode is where I'm at today. My generalized anxiety disorder is a full effect. My brain feels tight and I feel stupider than ever. Its like my thinking skills no longer exist anymore. So to combat that I have been listening to sermons and relying on those to get me through.
The support I do have. Its always been hard for me to ask for help. Learning to change my mindset is one thing that is hard. This is a transition that is hard for me to grasp right. God allowed this all to happen to get me to learn something. Today I was having a recurring daydream of the day I was fired. I felt shame, the hurt, and humiliation. This I can't share with anyone cause it feels like I would want attention or venting too much. I don't understand why it's hard for me to move on from this. It like it never stops moving in my mind.
As of late, I have been not being able to sleep thinking about everything and the responsibility that I have as an adult. BILLS. - They don't pay themselves.
Learning to depend on faith and prayer is a struggle for me. How does one do that? I feel like there is a constant battle for it. Im like God, Im calling out to you.
The days of the previous life seemed distant. Is that normal?
I know that from reading my last post, it would seem like a Godsent that things happen the way it did. But being in manic mode is where I'm at today. My generalized anxiety disorder is a full effect. My brain feels tight and I feel stupider than ever. Its like my thinking skills no longer exist anymore. So to combat that I have been listening to sermons and relying on those to get me through.
The support I do have. Its always been hard for me to ask for help. Learning to change my mindset is one thing that is hard. This is a transition that is hard for me to grasp right. God allowed this all to happen to get me to learn something. Today I was having a recurring daydream of the day I was fired. I felt shame, the hurt, and humiliation. This I can't share with anyone cause it feels like I would want attention or venting too much. I don't understand why it's hard for me to move on from this. It like it never stops moving in my mind.
As of late, I have been not being able to sleep thinking about everything and the responsibility that I have as an adult. BILLS. - They don't pay themselves.
Learning to depend on faith and prayer is a struggle for me. How does one do that? I feel like there is a constant battle for it. Im like God, Im calling out to you.
The days of the previous life seemed distant. Is that normal?
Monday, September 30, 2019
Fired!!!! From Teaching
On September 20 2019,
I was fired from my teaching job. I was only 5 weeks in. My experience was nothing but horrible from day 1. I never received training for the curriculum that I was supposed to teach nor was there a program for first-time teachers. I often felt alone and targeted from the get-go. I ask God to help me get through the situation because every day I went home mentally and emotionally drained. So drained that I lost about 10lbs and grew an ulcer.
The first day I was given a student whose mother told us ( the other teacher and myself) that he was trouble. After giving a presentation on policy and management the student had his cell phone out. I took it and gave to the vice principal. Each with the student grows more and worse with the situation. The school kept giving him chance after chance. I believe he spent more time in in-school (ISS) suspension that in my class and the reasons that he got into ISS was not when he was in my class, it was in other class and presence. He often told other students not to listen to me cause he didn't like me. This was just the start.
Over the next few weeks, I would have the vice-principal, principal and the finally the instructional coach in and out of my classroom. I was immediately put on a growth plan. I had 3 tasks to complete they included observe 3 classrooms form classroom management, behaviors, and strategies as well as watch 2 YouTube video on both with a 1-page paper to go along with it. Before the firing, I was able to complete 2 YouTube v videos and 1 classroom observation. During the 2nd week- 3 weeks of school, I finally met with the instructional coach to go over classroom management skills and policies/ rules. In that first meeting, she asked me to find my theme song. I did, corny as it sounds, I'm a huge Mariah Carey fan-- so the song I choose was " Make it Happen," She had me walk around her office pretending that I was teaching with the song in my head. Within the same week personnel from the district just comes in my classroom, the student was loud as always, trying to calm them was hard. She came in and just took over. She didn't introduce herself to me at all. I felt lower than before. Like I'm I suppose to do this? Sixth grade is a hard grade to teach. The shame that I felt that day was a feeling of defeat and despair. After she left my classroom, it was time for dismissal, I was told to come to see them. It was myself, the v.p. and the woman from the district. They told me I didn't own my classroom and that I needed to do so. Knowing myself, I am laid back and shy-- hell I'm introverted. I followed the plans that they gave me.
The following week went by, still, people in and out of my class from aides to principal again. The week started out rocky. There I was Monday, just finishing teaching social studies, two students were talking then out of nowhere the two students started fighting. Fist fighting. I was in total shock and embarrassed. In my mind, I already was saying I'm on thin ice here. Feeling alone and can't talk to anyone cause whatever I say would be used against me. I went home and cried and immediately started looking for another job. The next day Tuesday I had my second meeting with the instructional coach, she said for me to write a reflection on the what happened. I didn't feel comfortable with that. Wednesday is the day they wrote me up for the fight saying that I was not paying attention because I was sitting at my desk and wasn't actively walking around. Mind you I had seen other teachers do that. I thought it was ok. I cried. I have never been written upon any job before. I'm always following the rules and doing the best that I can. At this point, I saw the writing on the wall, they were, in fact, trying to get rid of me. There was no one to turn to. The mentor that was assigned to me only had 2 years of teaching and really wasn't helpful. Also doing this week, there was finally a new teacher academy for all new teachers. So much for encouragement after the fact. I had a problem with a student and needed advice, I tracked down the principal in the hallway, she stated that her daughter was lost and to have the people in the new teacher meeting help me.
Last week, the little boy was still having problems all over the school. I was told to write up a statement about the interactions that I had with him. I met with the instructional coach for only 10 mins. But earlier in the day, she came around with another person. I suspected that she was my replacement. I felt it inside of me. Why I don't know. Sometimes I see and feel things before they happen. I wish it was later. Friday came. The morning was awesome. It was club day. Since we sixth grade and the behavior of some of the students were questionable, some of the other clubs wouldn't have us, so we did our thing as usual. The girls formed a dance club and boys placed football. It was great. After we were done with that, the principal came up with dogs -- I couldn't tell the students that they were stiffing for drugs. Afterward, the day went well. The little boy had done something in another class calling another student out of her name. That was the nail in the coffin for him. At this time, they had never included me on any meetings but 1 with this child and his mother. I had done my observation doing my planning period. It was a pleasant experience.
It was at 4pm. I had 1 student left. Once that student left, I was walking towards my classroom, the V.P. says have you seen the email that was sent to you, I said no. Can you come to meet with us?
I get in the office with the principal, the V.P., and instructional coach. The Principal started off saying we have had people in and out of your classroom. When I walked into your classroom there were backpacks on the floor. ( Mind you students at that time were still changing clothes and after repeating myself over and over again to put backpack up-- it fell on death ears) What is the rule about backpacks? I said all backpacks on the hook. She said for the sake of our students we are letting you go. She asked me if I had anything to say. I said NO.
I walked out feeling defeated and felt like it was a no-win situation. I got in the elevator called my Mom. I didn't cry. I didn't want them to see me cry. As I gather up my things the VP is outside the classroom. I took what I could and wanted. Most of the stuff I left cause I knew I wasn't going to be in the classroom and it was no use for me. I gave them my lanyard, my keys and walked out with my target plastic bags and my Places You Will picture that I got from the garage of my apartment complex. I sat in my car and just realized that I have never been fired before. I have been laid off but never fired. The rejection and shame rose up inside of me.
I reached my home, I broke down. The stress from it all and now new stress of finding a new job. The feeling of being useless. I really wanted it to work out. I did. I grew it in a family of teachers in my life. Maybe this wasn't the right fit for me. This experience turns that sour for me.
Please keep me in prayer for the next chapter. I have no idea what I want to do. I thought that this is what I wanted to do.
I was fired from my teaching job. I was only 5 weeks in. My experience was nothing but horrible from day 1. I never received training for the curriculum that I was supposed to teach nor was there a program for first-time teachers. I often felt alone and targeted from the get-go. I ask God to help me get through the situation because every day I went home mentally and emotionally drained. So drained that I lost about 10lbs and grew an ulcer.
The first day I was given a student whose mother told us ( the other teacher and myself) that he was trouble. After giving a presentation on policy and management the student had his cell phone out. I took it and gave to the vice principal. Each with the student grows more and worse with the situation. The school kept giving him chance after chance. I believe he spent more time in in-school (ISS) suspension that in my class and the reasons that he got into ISS was not when he was in my class, it was in other class and presence. He often told other students not to listen to me cause he didn't like me. This was just the start.
Over the next few weeks, I would have the vice-principal, principal and the finally the instructional coach in and out of my classroom. I was immediately put on a growth plan. I had 3 tasks to complete they included observe 3 classrooms form classroom management, behaviors, and strategies as well as watch 2 YouTube video on both with a 1-page paper to go along with it. Before the firing, I was able to complete 2 YouTube v videos and 1 classroom observation. During the 2nd week- 3 weeks of school, I finally met with the instructional coach to go over classroom management skills and policies/ rules. In that first meeting, she asked me to find my theme song. I did, corny as it sounds, I'm a huge Mariah Carey fan-- so the song I choose was " Make it Happen," She had me walk around her office pretending that I was teaching with the song in my head. Within the same week personnel from the district just comes in my classroom, the student was loud as always, trying to calm them was hard. She came in and just took over. She didn't introduce herself to me at all. I felt lower than before. Like I'm I suppose to do this? Sixth grade is a hard grade to teach. The shame that I felt that day was a feeling of defeat and despair. After she left my classroom, it was time for dismissal, I was told to come to see them. It was myself, the v.p. and the woman from the district. They told me I didn't own my classroom and that I needed to do so. Knowing myself, I am laid back and shy-- hell I'm introverted. I followed the plans that they gave me.
The following week went by, still, people in and out of my class from aides to principal again. The week started out rocky. There I was Monday, just finishing teaching social studies, two students were talking then out of nowhere the two students started fighting. Fist fighting. I was in total shock and embarrassed. In my mind, I already was saying I'm on thin ice here. Feeling alone and can't talk to anyone cause whatever I say would be used against me. I went home and cried and immediately started looking for another job. The next day Tuesday I had my second meeting with the instructional coach, she said for me to write a reflection on the what happened. I didn't feel comfortable with that. Wednesday is the day they wrote me up for the fight saying that I was not paying attention because I was sitting at my desk and wasn't actively walking around. Mind you I had seen other teachers do that. I thought it was ok. I cried. I have never been written upon any job before. I'm always following the rules and doing the best that I can. At this point, I saw the writing on the wall, they were, in fact, trying to get rid of me. There was no one to turn to. The mentor that was assigned to me only had 2 years of teaching and really wasn't helpful. Also doing this week, there was finally a new teacher academy for all new teachers. So much for encouragement after the fact. I had a problem with a student and needed advice, I tracked down the principal in the hallway, she stated that her daughter was lost and to have the people in the new teacher meeting help me.
Last week, the little boy was still having problems all over the school. I was told to write up a statement about the interactions that I had with him. I met with the instructional coach for only 10 mins. But earlier in the day, she came around with another person. I suspected that she was my replacement. I felt it inside of me. Why I don't know. Sometimes I see and feel things before they happen. I wish it was later. Friday came. The morning was awesome. It was club day. Since we sixth grade and the behavior of some of the students were questionable, some of the other clubs wouldn't have us, so we did our thing as usual. The girls formed a dance club and boys placed football. It was great. After we were done with that, the principal came up with dogs -- I couldn't tell the students that they were stiffing for drugs. Afterward, the day went well. The little boy had done something in another class calling another student out of her name. That was the nail in the coffin for him. At this time, they had never included me on any meetings but 1 with this child and his mother. I had done my observation doing my planning period. It was a pleasant experience.
It was at 4pm. I had 1 student left. Once that student left, I was walking towards my classroom, the V.P. says have you seen the email that was sent to you, I said no. Can you come to meet with us?
I get in the office with the principal, the V.P., and instructional coach. The Principal started off saying we have had people in and out of your classroom. When I walked into your classroom there were backpacks on the floor. ( Mind you students at that time were still changing clothes and after repeating myself over and over again to put backpack up-- it fell on death ears) What is the rule about backpacks? I said all backpacks on the hook. She said for the sake of our students we are letting you go. She asked me if I had anything to say. I said NO.
I walked out feeling defeated and felt like it was a no-win situation. I got in the elevator called my Mom. I didn't cry. I didn't want them to see me cry. As I gather up my things the VP is outside the classroom. I took what I could and wanted. Most of the stuff I left cause I knew I wasn't going to be in the classroom and it was no use for me. I gave them my lanyard, my keys and walked out with my target plastic bags and my Places You Will picture that I got from the garage of my apartment complex. I sat in my car and just realized that I have never been fired before. I have been laid off but never fired. The rejection and shame rose up inside of me.
I reached my home, I broke down. The stress from it all and now new stress of finding a new job. The feeling of being useless. I really wanted it to work out. I did. I grew it in a family of teachers in my life. Maybe this wasn't the right fit for me. This experience turns that sour for me.
Please keep me in prayer for the next chapter. I have no idea what I want to do. I thought that this is what I wanted to do.
Tuesday, August 27, 2019
Im back !
https://anchor.fm/mistakenlyintroverted <----- Podcast Good evening everyone--
I have been going through some life changes now. I have recently started a new job as a teacher in a charter school. It has been an adjustment for me. Leaving my world of social services and diving into the world of education is hard. I feel lost and unhappy. With anything change is hard. I'm only 3 weeks in and I have been crying almost every day. I have sleepless nights and morning when I don't want to get out of bed. I feel like Im on the ship alone and I have been gone forever, and now I have to adapt to this strange new world called education. So much politics and unseen mess in the background. I don't know why I'm in this place. I feel so lost now. So for right now-- this (writing) is the only thing that has been having get by. The podcast is up now. New topics. Life stories etc. I hope you enjoy
Friday, April 12, 2019
Im Alive
Ive been trying to figure out this blog thing. So much has been happening. I have been trying to get out the house and try new things. I went to a pilates class. I loved it. I went to a education conference at my church and loved it. But life happened. My job cut my hours so I've been trying to figure out bills. Im missing a family trip because of lack of money and hours. I feel hopeless. My fibriods tell me every month. Ive been trying to stay in a positive attitude. It don't last long. My hormones are all over the place.
I need some excitement. Every day is diffrent. God is helping me. Relying on faith.
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