metamorphosis

Hi it's me again. Life has been good so for. Walking everyday at my lunch. Clearing my mind. It's great to get out in the sun and feel the breeze. 

Lately it's been good clearing my mind. Hard as life is, it's scary the way the world is with high prices everywhere. Im scare of being homeless and without. But the energy and knowing that God has me is an ease unlike any thing. 

Finding peace is hard but y'all these walks. Listening to music and going at the pace of the songs and being free. The freedom of being outside. When I was a child I played outside alot. My imagination ran wild. My father's parents had a big open yard and the neighborhood kids and would play on my grandfather's tractor. Hide and seek was hiding in my grandfathers combine. 

BBQ was good for the weekend and family gatherings where always fun filled with gossip about people in the town. 

 I miss times that that. 

Change is very scary and I'm trying to figure it out. 

Drive

We live or we love in the moment. Often times we say to ourselves "What is it that keeps me from being unable to be great?". I for one don't know the answer to that question. But what I do know is that at this moment in my life, with the world in a f***** up shambles. The world is very scary. It's stressful, it's depressing, it's enraging, and it makes me scared sometimes for the next day. Should I even think about the future when all I have is today.? Do I have what it takes to get me through the shenanigans that we're going through right now. 

So yesterday I was listening to Pandora and I always skipped the song that comes on it's by Incubus called Drive. And I sat there at my desk with my earphones in, and really listen to those lyrics. About fear and letting it literally drive me to non-existence of a life but taking it head on and literally taking the steering wheel and drive. And I think that I listen to that song at least five times yesterday. I don't know why, it just kept hitting everything in me yesterday. To the point to where I had to go look up the lyrics just to make sure I heard what I was listening to. And it gave me some motivation. I just started moving my body I started walking around in the office I went outside on my lunch break and walk for 30 minutes came home and did it work out and did the same thing today. It was like I have been sitting in the driver's seat of fear for such a long time now I had to get up and literally move our quote unquote transport myself and actually physically press the gas and drive. 

I know I know what you're going to say it's kind of silly but hear me out please. Music has always been my thing ever since I was a teenager. And living in the times that we live in now to me it's kind of hard to relate to anything on the radio and I always am looking for some kind of inspiration. Mind you that this song came out in 2000s era and that is my area of music. But I wasn't into that whole alternative genre unless it was like Matchbox 20 or Arvil . Yeah, I know I'm old it's okay. But it just started me thinking about the words that we take in, the things that we read and how it affects, our mood, our aura, our attitude, and our vibe. And this one song change My vibe yesterday. And I was so happy. 

This morning when I got to work, I'm usually I'm the first one there. I put on my earphones and I was listening to some other music and I just walked back and forth around the office to get some steps in before I had to get on the phone. And just enjoying the moment. And I think so far in my second week of this 90-day whatever it is I'm going through self-reflection self-care self-awareness. This has taught me a lot and I'm learning patience and the things that used to bother me aren't bothering me anymore or I'm not letting it get to me right now. So I'm enjoying it. So if you're ever in a dump listen to your favorite song and just keep it going. So I'm going to do a list of some of the songs that has been helping me out this past two weeks to get me motivated and you guys share yours.

1. Mariah Carey -Make it happen

2. Incubus- Drive

3.Little Mix- Bounce Back

4. Janet Jackson- Together Again

5. Wanda-Dont worry about it. 

90days

I'll be 37 in about 90 Days. So what I'm doing is a 90 day self improvement and awareness for myself. This week.... Sleep. Trying to get a hold on my sleeping schedule. So far two days in good. Also I've been journaling. I've discovered laughing is the best thing for rest. You see, I work a place where it's just me and one other person. She cracks me up and then I start going in. It's amazing. I look forward to coming to work. Never thought I would ever say that. For now.  

Tomorrow is not promised. For so long, I've wondered and lived in my daydreams. My daydreams is the perfect escape from the reality that I live. It's my safety net and makes me believe in the good things that will never come true. Sounds like a bad life. Yep. It is.  It's where it just in the mint of finding something better than me. 

All of the scenarios and dreams. I'm not sure if I should share them. It will make me look crazy. Since I dream doing the day, the night is so loud. 

fuck salads I want carbs

So it has come to my attention that I need to lose weight. I hate that because I feel like I have been trying to lose weight all of my adult life. And since the advancement of social media, I have seen myself comparing myself to others quite frequently. Whether or not I have long natural hair to a nice skinny but thick body, to wondering if I look good, what's wrong with me, why can't I abcefg. And I've noticed now that when I'm looking at a picture even though in my mind I know his doctor, it's still influence me a lot and makes me compare myself to that individual. And part of them is to influence that's why they are called influencers. To influence the mass influence and each other. I often say to myself what is it about them that is so great that I lack so much, that it looks like they're having the perfect life and still photos and filters. That's my hardest thing right now that's my my Achilles heel. What do I have to do to have a beautiful fake profile picture like that?? So where do I go from here? How do I stop comparing myself to others?

To be honest with you I don't have the answer to that question at all. But I do know that the something I need to work on a lot. So like the title says f a salad I want carbs. For the past 3 weeks I have been on this quote on quote eat better regiment. Cuz I hate the word diet. And I've been very blessed to have a co-worker who's going through that same thing and I just never really had that encouragement and I know I need to do something. But it's a lot of work. I'm no stranger to hard work don't get me wrong it's just that I like discipline and accountability at all costs that's just always been my thing that's just always been my lack of motivation to continue with what I start. And I think that that's going to be one of the hardest things for me throughout this process. I had a doctor's appointment this past week and I thought I had lost weight woohoo I'm not afraid to say how much I wait I'm 5'3, 220 lb. I thought I was 215. But their skill knows different than I know. I felt disgusted when I saw the scale I came home and looked at every single role on my body dimple cellulite and I'm not getting any younger I'm pushing more 40 that I am 30 right now. And it got me thinking about life and how much more I want to do with my life that I've never gave myself the chance to do so because I felt inadequate with my abilities including my weight and size to do more with life. So therefore I've never dated I've cancel events that I would like to go through more solely due to lack of money, and I've deprived myself on the life that I've always wanted to have but neglected myself in the process of depriving myself of those moments and memories and adventures that most people have. And now here we are in a crazy ass world and I feel like I'm more terrified than ever cuz there's some crazy ass people out here and I feel like it being desperate mode to try something new. And who would want to be with me anyways that's where my mind is going. And then that's where I go back to the comparison thing and I see the perfect bodies perfect scenery and realize I missed out on not or did I really??

So throughout this process of April I hope to document my frustrations and feelings and hopefully gratitude of my feelings and changes throughout these next couple of weeks. Join me as we go through this process of change. Who wants to change? Change is very very hard. Believe me I hate change just like anybody else. So here are the things that I want to change number one I want to change my ongoing negative thoughts and behaviors and how I be myself. Number two I want to treat myself the way I would like others to treat me or have treated me. Number three Love myself the way others love me. Mean what I say that was number four. And really start putting an effort to get the life that I want and deserve and not wait for approval or aberrations from others because I'm seek approval and I seek praise and I seek affirmation.

feelings

It's my PMDD kicking in. Telling me am worthless and not good. Not loveable or wanted. Not able or needed. Not heard or respected. Not me or it. 

Yes I have one good week before my period

 After that the fireworks in my head go off. I make stupid decisions and they come at a cost of self-sabotage and regret. 

The lows keep coming and finding the shovel to dig out is out of sight. So I just deal. Pmdd has changed me and it's gotten intense or the past 6months. 

I can hold a job but can't keep goals. I spend effortlessly with funds I don't have, then I end up with tags looking at me. For now I feel lost and out of space. Life passing me by. Looking at everyone has a plan and doing well and I just can't stick to a decision. Scared of making mistakes. 

No  one says it would be easy no. But I just want freedom in my mind to breathe. It feels cloudy and fermented with saddeness, fear, worry and complicated unknown situations that never have happened. 

It tells me that I'll died alone without purpose and no one would love me. 

Telling those thoughts to shut up is easier said then done. It keeps me up at night. Sleep at minimum. 

I do have a therapist. I don't think or know how to explain how I feel about this. 

I guess I'll keep working on myself while trying not to stuff. 

New Year Finding Me

Well Happy New Year everybody?! This year I did not make any New Year's resolutions why because I never follow through with them.

I always have the best intentions and then shit  happens to the point to where I just forget that I even have a goal and then here comes December again and I did not accomplish anything. So this year I'm just going by intent and just doing the best I can which is waking up every day and going to work.

Anything that has changed in my life right now but have to be a new job that I just started. Do I like it no but I have to pay bills right now. Unemployment was not gone help me survive at all. So at this moment in time I'm trying to find a part-time job to stay afloat and to try my best to pay down some debt so I can move from my apartment next year because my rent keeps going up and this time it went up by $80 and that was after I talked the leasing office down they only gave me $20 off. So I don't know what else to do I would love more space but I know what more space comes more money and I'm only making 50 cents more than what I made at my previous job. I don't know I feel like I'm always taking a job out of survival and then I never really feel fulfilled. I'm working from home which is something I always thought that I would like, but I don't because when I get up out of my bed I really want maybe five steps and I'm at a desk with two screens and a headset and I am there for 8 hours a day. Well I'm grateful to have a job it's not what I thought it would be.

So let's deal with history lesson y'all ready here we go!! I moved to Texas about 7 years ago . And I moved from Illinois to be here. I had lived here from the time I was 10 till I was 23. My mother had asked me to move out at 23. I had no place to go the job that I was working at the time was it going to make ends meet and I had basically little to no friends or they have their own lives and I was always that one friend that always needed something that was me I was at titled friend, I felt that way. So I went to go stay with my grandparents and stay there for a good 7 years I believe and I was able to complete college which I was really grateful for cuz my grandfather paid for my first semester and a half of college before student loans kicked in. And living in a small town I really didn't have those social skills at all. So while people are dating or going out to parties I didn't have that I was driving back and forth to school and working. And there's nobody to blame but myself for that I am introverted that's why you guys are here my social cues are not the best but I'm usually good at reading people.

Don't get me wrong like I met one or two friends or acquaintances maybe people that I worked with that I would very very rarely hang out with like maybe once and that was it. But it was mainly myself my grandparents in the house in this small town with one grocery store no gas stations and that's it. That's all. And I'll have to drive all the way to like 30 to 45 minutes to the nearest town or an hour to the nearest town which is actually where I was going to school but an hour to an hour back. And I just I think I really messed myself up a lot. So when I moved here I think I have this fantasy in my head that I would get a good job and be happy because I'll have my own place with my own fork and my own spoon and my own knife and I would be set up for success right. No!! What happened was that while I was grateful to have somebody to stay with for 3 months I did get my own place I did get a job in the beginning the job was great I had a great support system towards the end it got to be so toxic I had a nervous breakdown. Thankfully I was able to get another job which was great but I got laid off and then I went and got another job in the same field and I was okay with it but it was driving an hour and a half to an hour and a half from just to get home everyday and I was driving in the car without any air conditioning and if you live in Texas you know how hot it gets I did the best I could do because I need to pay rent and I still was barely making ends meet just enough to survive never ever ever had any money to kind of be Free Will with but then again I was always poor with money management always have been. So I left that job and decide to go to teaching what you guys have seen the previous post on that I got fired from that went back into the old profession that I was doing before working in addictions, and as of 3 months ago, everybody was laid off and that particular location was shut down. And here we are today, and I've realized that all the jobs that I've had have been entry level jobs and here I am in my mind thinking I am the best of the best and I'm like no I'm not I'm just like these other people and it was a huge wake up call for me. The skills that I have it's that it's that and I can't really describe it right now but it makes me feel like I keep starting over and over again. I mean I could go back to school and get a counselor's Masters if I wanted to but I don't even know if I want to do that I don't know I don't know what my life is supposed to be I don't know what my purpose is. Are you supposed to be happy at a job are you supposed to be happy at life are we supposed to just go through life like The Little engine that could. It's like I can't stick to anything I have no motivation no consistency when I try to get to consistency I just get bored which is why I should not be doing New Year's resolutions because I never fulfill anything. I'm sitting here looking at all the vision boards that I've made and I have not completed nothing at all.

So it got me deep diving into a deeper space within me, I realize that the last time I think I was genuinely happy with everything honestly and it's horrible to say this or even to write this it's when I was 13. Why 13? 13 was when my parents, my mother and my stepfather and I including my little brother we're living in this apartment complex I had my first birthday party in Texas to my recollection at 13. My mother had got me a buttercream cake with sunflowers on it. I had a few friends over. And I believe I had a sleepover. I don't know why that birthday resonates with me but it does I don't remember any other birthday after that besides the most recent ones. I think it was the freedom of that and the innocence of it all. I think that I'm emotionally stuck at 13 and I don't know why. It's crazy to think that all right it's crazy to allude to that moment in time and here I am in my mid thirties thinking about when I was 13. That's a goddamn shame and I have not progressed any further in my life since I've been here in Texas then I was in Illinois. And that is nobody's fault of my own yes I've tried to do certifications and failed I've tried other jobs and failed but I just can't get in the routine of fulfillment and happiness what is that look like how does that feel you guys let me know and I'm going to be probably searching for that this year no it's not a New Year's resolution it's finding me.