grief

Hey you guys I know it's been a while since my last post. I have made some changes with some things right now. I have deleted my podcast I just feel like it was time I kind of miss it but I'm waiting to figure out what I'm going to do with it.

A Christmas was okay working as normal. So that's a plus I still have a job as of today. And a lot has changed since then. The person that hired me decided to leave and take his family elsewhere and I've been without a boss since October and it's kind of hard to find my fitting because I feel like I'm not doing anything and I'm not putting in my work. Only because I have no direction and I'm literally learning as I go and I'm questioning everything right now. So evidently I don't know if I'm coming or going most days. And with the new year protein my only goal was to pay off my car.

And paid off my car is what I did. As of February my car is officially paid off. But the celebration was bittersweet because on February 6th at 5:00 a.m. my grandmother passed away. My grandmother passed away a few days before her 82nd birthday. My grandmother had dementia and my grandfather had to put her in a memory Care facility because he could take care of her at home and he really didn't want any outside help all that much. So being able to take off work for bereavement and to be there for my grandfather was good. I was blessed because I have people from my life group helping me with funds my mother help me, my father helped me, and I don't know if I would make it. I didn't have the money at all and then on top of that I found out that my work wasn't taking taxes out and I didn't remember ever completing the W-2 and so now I owe taxes for the past year. So I'm frustrated and try not to dub into Old habits where I'm overspending and overcompensating for things that I don't have and I think that I want. So it's been a lot going on over here. And I don't know what else to do I have no direction but I can't keep just leaving work and going home and getting in bed it's not feeding me right now. And going to life group on Saturday. I went this past Saturday and it just felt weird like I said the sadness came over me I don't know if I was thinking about my grandmother or just being a new space I don't know I just kind of feel awkward. It's just weird right now so I'm going to try to keep at least a blog on I know nobody reads this but it's good for me.

Butterfly in the sky

It's been a while since I've been back here, I've been just trying to live life in this crazy ass economy. I've been struggling with my new job and trying to find my place and a lot of changes have been going on. My boss left about 2 weeks ago and I have reached my 6-month of employment at the place that I work. And I still don't know what I'm supposed to do as far as tasks and stuff because I'm doing a little bit of this and a little bit of that and still trying to learn as well. I thought by now in my life I would be a little bit further along.

Meaning I'll be married have children being some type of relationship, but yet I've been in this recurring cycle the last 8 years of debt and layoffs unemployment anxiety about finances debt and depression. And right now this job has just been just a job. I have not met anybody or gotten close to anyone since I started working here. It's hard for me to connect with people because I don't know who to trust and I'm so much in late life right now that I don't even know if I should start over. And when it comes to relationships is always hard for me because everybody leaves and one of the reasons why I've never dated in my whole adult life I think it's probably too late now is because of that factor everybody leaves or now I'm going to place where I don't have to deal with heartbreak and sadness and if you're going to cheat on me or divorce me or anything like that. But at times it would be nice to have someone to do things with.

So within these last two weeks of my boss leaving and going to California for his new job, the only joy that I had over these past few weeks or that I was looking forward to was nostalgia. These last two weeks have been filled with nostalgia. With NSYNC coming back on the scene with a new song which is okay it's not my cup of tea but you know I'll take it. And then going to the VMAs this year. And having some type of of appearances elsewhere have been great for me. I've enjoyed all of it these past few weeks. Then the other night I was able to score tickets to see LeVar Burton of Reading rainbow Fame and Star Trek Fame as a speaker at a university close to where I live. Normally I wouldn't go to things like that by myself because I will always want to go with someone but because the ticket was very inexpensive and AKA free, I wanted to do something that I can enjoy. I haven't had anything that I've enjoyed in a long time and I actually liked it. It was only an hour of a talk it was a lot of people there. I treated it like it was a date. I went and got fajita tacos and then headed over to where the event was and decided to stay. I was really happy with my decision. I didn't try not to let my anxiety get in the way of my decision because I know me I would question parking and traffic and how many people would be there if the weather was going to be okay but I put it aside because this is something that I wanted to do.

Just being able to do something that I like was rewarding. Even though I just have $100 in the bank to last me to the end of the month. I'm trying not to think about it I am looking for part-time jobs I've been applying as well. But also just praying and figuring out what would be the next best step for me I'm scared and I don't know what else to do right now. But having something to look forward to has been great for myself health as well as my self-care. And they're going to be more free events in my town soon that I will be able to enjoy and I can't wait to share those with you. So the latebloomer loner Chronicles continues hopefully arrive with me.

Understanding 38

Well, it's been a minute since we've lost blog. But I wanted to jump on here and give update of everything that's been going on. I have a new job that I've been at for the past few months and it's OK. I took a pay cut for this job. I'm struggling financially and I'm only getting paid once a month which is been really hard for me. And try to remember how to budget and all that good stuff. I've signed up to do, the DoorDash and other services like that I'm waiting to hear back. But because of where I live, it's oversaturated. At my job they will be able to pay for me to go to school but in order for me to go to school I will have to be there for six months and then I won't be able to start until the following semester which will be in January 2024 and then I'm a indebited to them for the next 3 1/2 years actually another year after that because I will have to stay on for additional year. I can't live off what I make knowing that I will be in school and I need supplies and stuff. So I'm consideree my options right now. i'm just existing right now is the world. There's so much that I want to do but I've been so afraid to do it. But I just had a birthday and I'm two years away from 40 and I realize I have not ever experience life because I've been on the edge of existing for such a long time and I don't know what to do about that. Everything that I wanna do requires money and it requires me to put myself out there in the vulnerable is hard for me even though I'm doing this right now. But it's easier for me to do those because I'm behind the screen and it makes it less threatening for me. And I just wanna be happy I'm tired of being depressed and down the dumps more and more every day. But I know it will get better but has to get better. It needs to get better. I don't even know if I even want to go to school, but considering my options that I've had over last recent years old masters degree to do more in line, but the pay will probably still be a little bit more if not the same.

Clueless

It been awhile since I have blog. I have been in the right space to do so. since we last spoke, I have been going through a transition. I ended up getting a new job and I took a pay cut, and I only get paid once a month. So just like most of the USA, I am struggling to pay bills and to stay afloat. I'm doing my best right now to budget wisely and to get back in the hang of things. I am in the $50,000 of debt that's including student loans and credit cards. I realize that I have a spending problem because spending makes me feel like I'm doing something that I am contributing to something, it's feeding this little girl inside of me that needs to be validated. and I am in therapy so hopefully I will be addressing those issues very very soon. Also, with this new transition in my job life, I have making holidays off which is rare that I even get those off but that's been a treat for me. But also, this is like the loneliest I've ever felt in a long time. I don't think I've ever felt this isolated in a long time. Granted I'm older I'm almost close to 40 not at 40 yet , but my birthday is in a week and I didn't make any plans. I don't really have anybody to do anything with and I'll just be working. So I thought I would have that to look forward to, but it doesn't feel the same and I want to be happy about something, but I think in my mind, happiness doesn't want to happen for me . So trying to build consistency right now has been hard for me because I start something and complete it. And at this stage of my life I need to complete some thing, so I feel like I'm contributing to society more and to have a break in life. I would love to move out of my apartment. I've been here for about eight years now I would love to travel I would love to be debt-free and everything is just been taking time. Once I start some thing like a new job such as last year or earlier this year I get laid off I'm like crap I'm making progress and here we are not making progress because of being laid off. Tired of being broke. Every job I take is crappy or than the other one. Every job I have either have a supervisor that's really nice and they're there momentarily. Then I get a crappy when it comes in or a vibe really well with a coworker. We have a lot of things in common and I get ghosted. It hurts hurts a lot and I have no idea what I'm gonna be doing at this stage in my life I thought I knew everything and I really don't. but what I do know is that the loneliness that I feel I'm longing for something I don't know if that's love acceptance or validation, but I'm longing for something that's bigger than me and I can't describe it right now and I think I've always had this thing about wanting to belong. I was never the prettiest nor the smartest but I've always felt like I was on one and just there to take up space in the world and it sucks to have to feel that way. and I'm just at a place right now where I just come home from work and I do nothing except eat and sleep and that's it. I'm such a late bloomer to everything and I just like well I'm already here I'm comfortable, so what else could happen and I feel like sometimes I'm just walking disaster, and then I'm in loved and unwanted. I think I'm just gonna take this month of my birthday and get in tune with life.

Interview Exchange Program

So it has been about 3 weeks since I've been laidoff. I have had few job interviews. One was for a MAT program -- MAT meaning medication assitance treatment program for recovery addicts. An old co-worker of mine works. It has been a year since I have worked in addictions. Been enjoying the break from it. I went to the interview -- it was an hour and change away from where I live. The drive was nice and very long and whiny. I pulled up to the builiding. It was in a skeckty area. The waiting room was old with date interior. 2 windows with staff. I had texted my friend that works there to let her that I have arrived. We saw each other and I was so happy to see her and was grateful for mention to interview. The person in charge was nice and welcome. The interview was basic, asking me questions like are you comfortable with a 50 person caseload, coming in at 5am to work and how far to you live from here. My axienty went into overload. While the job seemed good, I knew that the drive was not that great for me. The person offered to forward my resume to a closer location near my home. Two days I get a am email from another location asking to meet with me. I confirmed that that cretain location that was told that my resume was going to was fully staffed and that my resume was forwarded to anonther location and little bit farther but close. I went to the interview. First thing was filling out an application. I met briefly with that person in charge. This time the vibe felt off. Like why do you have 3 open spots. Once again the place was old and smelled of mildrew. After my interview with her, she sent me over to another person who was the clinical driector. Not before having me pee in a cup. In my mind Im like this is too fast and you havent even checked my refrences. I knew then, you just want a body here. It was empyty. The clinical director office smelled of bath and bodyworks porturri. My head was starting to hurt. She is asking me a buttload of questions and talking to me. My head was telling me that I need a job but heart was saying run for the hills. I was happy when it ended. The drive home was not too bad. When I got home something told to call another location that was 20 mins from. They admitted to me to that they were hiring. And the email my resume to them. Yes I know that said I didnt feel right about the job but at this point Im going off surivival mode. That is my comfort. Thinking of every horrible thing that can come to past. I arrived at the facility and it was all just like the other facilities were old and dated. Very small but large and very much slow. As I was filling out the application I was called into the clinical directors office. She was older woman with another person in the room. I go into her office and there was with this extra large mahogany wood brown table as she sitting behind it very much and I don't care mode. She ended up taking one glance at my résumé and asked how are you able to get your licensure in a short amount of time I explain to her that I have been working in addictions and social services for a while, and I was able to obtain the beginning of my licensure at an earlier time in 2017. She said well once again how are you able to do that? Do you even have a degree? And I said yeah it's on my résumé. I have a bachelors degree. I've been doing this for a long time, and then she said , how was the training for you? Did you have a CI? And I said yes, I had a CI and we had weekly meetings and I did groups in some case management and some individuals and sat in on lead therapist individual sessions and family sessions. I was able to conduct a few. And she said well, it seem like you didn't do enough to earn your hours and we have a 50 person caseload and we have Medicare and how would I know if you'll be able to even write documentation if you weren't taught those things. I let her know that I have I've been able to write documentations for a very long time, including assessments, and I've been doing intakes for a very long time and yes, I may need a refresher, but I should be able to do the job . She said well it seems like you didn't have enough training and that is something that we harp on here, we can get to training you but you have to start from scratch with you because we don't know your ability. Mind you I am sitting there feeling defeated at this moment because I felt like I shouldn't have to argue my ability and my skills and you're questioning me on everything. And so I told her that I have been unable to pass the test and she said oh well tell me what is an assessment, is tell me what a screening is, was so nervous I was giving her definitions that she said no that's wrong that's what this is or its meaning. She went on this say, How are you gonna be able to work here if you don't know the basic definition of those. She went her soapbox about having to retrain others that has come to her. I was so mortified and I was like am I reading too much into this. And I don't know what to do. I just was waiting for this to be over and so I can go home and cry. And I know my worth least I thought I did at that moment and it feel like I didn't but I just left a bad taste in my mouth. It was just like I've done all of this for nothing and the more,more I thought about it the more I was like I really don't wanna work in this industry anymore. I know how it makes me feel and I'm feeling that way right now. And the way she treated me in her office maybe it was constructive criticism but maybe I took it a different way but it just felt it just didn't feel right. So finally, the interview concluded I still have the application in my hand. She wanted me to show her proof that I had my certification intern status cause I still have Internet status because I haven't passed test. It was just like I've done all of this for nothing and the more more I thought about it the more I was like I really don't wanna work in this industry anymore. I know how it makes me feel and I'm feeling that way right now. And the way she treated me in her office maybe it was constructive criticism or maybe I took it in a different way but it just felt it just didn't feel right. So finally, the interview concluded I still have the application in my hand. She wanted me to show her proof that I had my certification intern status cause I still have Intern status because I haven't passed test. If you look at the state that I am at you will be able to see that by my name and my date of birth what my license your number is and when it expires. I told her that I would bring it back with my rest with my application. I let the front office staff know that I'll be back that Monday was a holiday. I went in my car and I ripped up my application and I just went home and just keep applying to more jobs and that is where we are now And it's it's a process as everything is in life but that right there I did not feel good about. Most people probably tell me to suck it up buttercup and just do what you Gotta do but I just didn't want that and she hasn't called so I figured she wasn't gonna call at all and I'm OK with that .

Recycling again

So its been a min. since Ive been here. Last year I had started a new job after being laid off. Here I am once again laid off again. Second time in 2 years. I question myself alot. Im 37 and have no idea what I want to do with my life. Theraphy has not helped me figure that out yet. I remember when I was younger I wanted to be a baby doctor AKA OB-GYN. Then I watched TLC a BabY story and was like nope. Went to College to become a sociologist and even got into grad school. Only to withdrawal due to the fact I felt like I couldn't do it or live up the hype of it. Lesson of the day = queen of self -sabotage. You see I don't ever trust my decisions that I make. I always want perfect but I know that it doesnt exist. My years of people pleasing and wanting to fit it has caught up with me and the loneiest of the loneist hour feels like daily reminders of how fuck I have made my life thus far. I guess this year its time to get to know me. When I think about my life -- I have always struggled. I see others living and thriving and I feel so left behind. Latebloomer to everything because of trauma and low self- esteem, sometimes I feel too late to do anything worthwhile. Constant cycle of starting and stopping is too much for me. Maybe its because Ive been running on survival and not trusting the process.

metamorphosis

Hi it's me again. Life has been good so for. Walking everyday at my lunch. Clearing my mind. It's great to get out in the sun and feel the breeze. 

Lately it's been good clearing my mind. Hard as life is, it's scary the way the world is with high prices everywhere. Im scare of being homeless and without. But the energy and knowing that God has me is an ease unlike any thing. 

Finding peace is hard but y'all these walks. Listening to music and going at the pace of the songs and being free. The freedom of being outside. When I was a child I played outside alot. My imagination ran wild. My father's parents had a big open yard and the neighborhood kids and would play on my grandfather's tractor. Hide and seek was hiding in my grandfathers combine. 

BBQ was good for the weekend and family gatherings where always fun filled with gossip about people in the town. 

 I miss times that that. 

Change is very scary and I'm trying to figure it out. 

Drive

We live or we love in the moment. Often times we say to ourselves "What is it that keeps me from being unable to be great?". I for one don't know the answer to that question. But what I do know is that at this moment in my life, with the world in a f***** up shambles. The world is very scary. It's stressful, it's depressing, it's enraging, and it makes me scared sometimes for the next day. Should I even think about the future when all I have is today.? Do I have what it takes to get me through the shenanigans that we're going through right now. 

So yesterday I was listening to Pandora and I always skipped the song that comes on it's by Incubus called Drive. And I sat there at my desk with my earphones in, and really listen to those lyrics. About fear and letting it literally drive me to non-existence of a life but taking it head on and literally taking the steering wheel and drive. And I think that I listen to that song at least five times yesterday. I don't know why, it just kept hitting everything in me yesterday. To the point to where I had to go look up the lyrics just to make sure I heard what I was listening to. And it gave me some motivation. I just started moving my body I started walking around in the office I went outside on my lunch break and walk for 30 minutes came home and did it work out and did the same thing today. It was like I have been sitting in the driver's seat of fear for such a long time now I had to get up and literally move our quote unquote transport myself and actually physically press the gas and drive. 

I know I know what you're going to say it's kind of silly but hear me out please. Music has always been my thing ever since I was a teenager. And living in the times that we live in now to me it's kind of hard to relate to anything on the radio and I always am looking for some kind of inspiration. Mind you that this song came out in 2000s era and that is my area of music. But I wasn't into that whole alternative genre unless it was like Matchbox 20 or Arvil . Yeah, I know I'm old it's okay. But it just started me thinking about the words that we take in, the things that we read and how it affects, our mood, our aura, our attitude, and our vibe. And this one song change My vibe yesterday. And I was so happy. 

This morning when I got to work, I'm usually I'm the first one there. I put on my earphones and I was listening to some other music and I just walked back and forth around the office to get some steps in before I had to get on the phone. And just enjoying the moment. And I think so far in my second week of this 90-day whatever it is I'm going through self-reflection self-care self-awareness. This has taught me a lot and I'm learning patience and the things that used to bother me aren't bothering me anymore or I'm not letting it get to me right now. So I'm enjoying it. So if you're ever in a dump listen to your favorite song and just keep it going. So I'm going to do a list of some of the songs that has been helping me out this past two weeks to get me motivated and you guys share yours.

1. Mariah Carey -Make it happen

2. Incubus- Drive

3.Little Mix- Bounce Back

4. Janet Jackson- Together Again

5. Wanda-Dont worry about it. 

90days

I'll be 37 in about 90 Days. So what I'm doing is a 90 day self improvement and awareness for myself. This week.... Sleep. Trying to get a hold on my sleeping schedule. So far two days in good. Also I've been journaling. I've discovered laughing is the best thing for rest. You see, I work a place where it's just me and one other person. She cracks me up and then I start going in. It's amazing. I look forward to coming to work. Never thought I would ever say that. For now.  

Tomorrow is not promised. For so long, I've wondered and lived in my daydreams. My daydreams is the perfect escape from the reality that I live. It's my safety net and makes me believe in the good things that will never come true. Sounds like a bad life. Yep. It is.  It's where it just in the mint of finding something better than me. 

All of the scenarios and dreams. I'm not sure if I should share them. It will make me look crazy. Since I dream doing the day, the night is so loud. 

fuck salads I want carbs

So it has come to my attention that I need to lose weight. I hate that because I feel like I have been trying to lose weight all of my adult life. And since the advancement of social media, I have seen myself comparing myself to others quite frequently. Whether or not I have long natural hair to a nice skinny but thick body, to wondering if I look good, what's wrong with me, why can't I abcefg. And I've noticed now that when I'm looking at a picture even though in my mind I know his doctor, it's still influence me a lot and makes me compare myself to that individual. And part of them is to influence that's why they are called influencers. To influence the mass influence and each other. I often say to myself what is it about them that is so great that I lack so much, that it looks like they're having the perfect life and still photos and filters. That's my hardest thing right now that's my my Achilles heel. What do I have to do to have a beautiful fake profile picture like that?? So where do I go from here? How do I stop comparing myself to others?

To be honest with you I don't have the answer to that question at all. But I do know that the something I need to work on a lot. So like the title says f a salad I want carbs. For the past 3 weeks I have been on this quote on quote eat better regiment. Cuz I hate the word diet. And I've been very blessed to have a co-worker who's going through that same thing and I just never really had that encouragement and I know I need to do something. But it's a lot of work. I'm no stranger to hard work don't get me wrong it's just that I like discipline and accountability at all costs that's just always been my thing that's just always been my lack of motivation to continue with what I start. And I think that that's going to be one of the hardest things for me throughout this process. I had a doctor's appointment this past week and I thought I had lost weight woohoo I'm not afraid to say how much I wait I'm 5'3, 220 lb. I thought I was 215. But their skill knows different than I know. I felt disgusted when I saw the scale I came home and looked at every single role on my body dimple cellulite and I'm not getting any younger I'm pushing more 40 that I am 30 right now. And it got me thinking about life and how much more I want to do with my life that I've never gave myself the chance to do so because I felt inadequate with my abilities including my weight and size to do more with life. So therefore I've never dated I've cancel events that I would like to go through more solely due to lack of money, and I've deprived myself on the life that I've always wanted to have but neglected myself in the process of depriving myself of those moments and memories and adventures that most people have. And now here we are in a crazy ass world and I feel like I'm more terrified than ever cuz there's some crazy ass people out here and I feel like it being desperate mode to try something new. And who would want to be with me anyways that's where my mind is going. And then that's where I go back to the comparison thing and I see the perfect bodies perfect scenery and realize I missed out on not or did I really??

So throughout this process of April I hope to document my frustrations and feelings and hopefully gratitude of my feelings and changes throughout these next couple of weeks. Join me as we go through this process of change. Who wants to change? Change is very very hard. Believe me I hate change just like anybody else. So here are the things that I want to change number one I want to change my ongoing negative thoughts and behaviors and how I be myself. Number two I want to treat myself the way I would like others to treat me or have treated me. Number three Love myself the way others love me. Mean what I say that was number four. And really start putting an effort to get the life that I want and deserve and not wait for approval or aberrations from others because I'm seek approval and I seek praise and I seek affirmation.

feelings

It's my PMDD kicking in. Telling me am worthless and not good. Not loveable or wanted. Not able or needed. Not heard or respected. Not me or it. 

Yes I have one good week before my period

 After that the fireworks in my head go off. I make stupid decisions and they come at a cost of self-sabotage and regret. 

The lows keep coming and finding the shovel to dig out is out of sight. So I just deal. Pmdd has changed me and it's gotten intense or the past 6months. 

I can hold a job but can't keep goals. I spend effortlessly with funds I don't have, then I end up with tags looking at me. For now I feel lost and out of space. Life passing me by. Looking at everyone has a plan and doing well and I just can't stick to a decision. Scared of making mistakes. 

No  one says it would be easy no. But I just want freedom in my mind to breathe. It feels cloudy and fermented with saddeness, fear, worry and complicated unknown situations that never have happened. 

It tells me that I'll died alone without purpose and no one would love me. 

Telling those thoughts to shut up is easier said then done. It keeps me up at night. Sleep at minimum. 

I do have a therapist. I don't think or know how to explain how I feel about this. 

I guess I'll keep working on myself while trying not to stuff. 

New Year Finding Me

Well Happy New Year everybody?! This year I did not make any New Year's resolutions why because I never follow through with them.

I always have the best intentions and then shit  happens to the point to where I just forget that I even have a goal and then here comes December again and I did not accomplish anything. So this year I'm just going by intent and just doing the best I can which is waking up every day and going to work.

Anything that has changed in my life right now but have to be a new job that I just started. Do I like it no but I have to pay bills right now. Unemployment was not gone help me survive at all. So at this moment in time I'm trying to find a part-time job to stay afloat and to try my best to pay down some debt so I can move from my apartment next year because my rent keeps going up and this time it went up by $80 and that was after I talked the leasing office down they only gave me $20 off. So I don't know what else to do I would love more space but I know what more space comes more money and I'm only making 50 cents more than what I made at my previous job. I don't know I feel like I'm always taking a job out of survival and then I never really feel fulfilled. I'm working from home which is something I always thought that I would like, but I don't because when I get up out of my bed I really want maybe five steps and I'm at a desk with two screens and a headset and I am there for 8 hours a day. Well I'm grateful to have a job it's not what I thought it would be.

So let's deal with history lesson y'all ready here we go!! I moved to Texas about 7 years ago . And I moved from Illinois to be here. I had lived here from the time I was 10 till I was 23. My mother had asked me to move out at 23. I had no place to go the job that I was working at the time was it going to make ends meet and I had basically little to no friends or they have their own lives and I was always that one friend that always needed something that was me I was at titled friend, I felt that way. So I went to go stay with my grandparents and stay there for a good 7 years I believe and I was able to complete college which I was really grateful for cuz my grandfather paid for my first semester and a half of college before student loans kicked in. And living in a small town I really didn't have those social skills at all. So while people are dating or going out to parties I didn't have that I was driving back and forth to school and working. And there's nobody to blame but myself for that I am introverted that's why you guys are here my social cues are not the best but I'm usually good at reading people.

Don't get me wrong like I met one or two friends or acquaintances maybe people that I worked with that I would very very rarely hang out with like maybe once and that was it. But it was mainly myself my grandparents in the house in this small town with one grocery store no gas stations and that's it. That's all. And I'll have to drive all the way to like 30 to 45 minutes to the nearest town or an hour to the nearest town which is actually where I was going to school but an hour to an hour back. And I just I think I really messed myself up a lot. So when I moved here I think I have this fantasy in my head that I would get a good job and be happy because I'll have my own place with my own fork and my own spoon and my own knife and I would be set up for success right. No!! What happened was that while I was grateful to have somebody to stay with for 3 months I did get my own place I did get a job in the beginning the job was great I had a great support system towards the end it got to be so toxic I had a nervous breakdown. Thankfully I was able to get another job which was great but I got laid off and then I went and got another job in the same field and I was okay with it but it was driving an hour and a half to an hour and a half from just to get home everyday and I was driving in the car without any air conditioning and if you live in Texas you know how hot it gets I did the best I could do because I need to pay rent and I still was barely making ends meet just enough to survive never ever ever had any money to kind of be Free Will with but then again I was always poor with money management always have been. So I left that job and decide to go to teaching what you guys have seen the previous post on that I got fired from that went back into the old profession that I was doing before working in addictions, and as of 3 months ago, everybody was laid off and that particular location was shut down. And here we are today, and I've realized that all the jobs that I've had have been entry level jobs and here I am in my mind thinking I am the best of the best and I'm like no I'm not I'm just like these other people and it was a huge wake up call for me. The skills that I have it's that it's that and I can't really describe it right now but it makes me feel like I keep starting over and over again. I mean I could go back to school and get a counselor's Masters if I wanted to but I don't even know if I want to do that I don't know I don't know what my life is supposed to be I don't know what my purpose is. Are you supposed to be happy at a job are you supposed to be happy at life are we supposed to just go through life like The Little engine that could. It's like I can't stick to anything I have no motivation no consistency when I try to get to consistency I just get bored which is why I should not be doing New Year's resolutions because I never fulfill anything. I'm sitting here looking at all the vision boards that I've made and I have not completed nothing at all.

So it got me deep diving into a deeper space within me, I realize that the last time I think I was genuinely happy with everything honestly and it's horrible to say this or even to write this it's when I was 13. Why 13? 13 was when my parents, my mother and my stepfather and I including my little brother we're living in this apartment complex I had my first birthday party in Texas to my recollection at 13. My mother had got me a buttercream cake with sunflowers on it. I had a few friends over. And I believe I had a sleepover. I don't know why that birthday resonates with me but it does I don't remember any other birthday after that besides the most recent ones. I think it was the freedom of that and the innocence of it all. I think that I'm emotionally stuck at 13 and I don't know why. It's crazy to think that all right it's crazy to allude to that moment in time and here I am in my mid thirties thinking about when I was 13. That's a goddamn shame and I have not progressed any further in my life since I've been here in Texas then I was in Illinois. And that is nobody's fault of my own yes I've tried to do certifications and failed I've tried other jobs and failed but I just can't get in the routine of fulfillment and happiness what is that look like how does that feel you guys let me know and I'm going to be probably searching for that this year no it's not a New Year's resolution it's finding me.

new job new me??

So I got a new job! It's working in the same field that I've been working in for a while but in a different capacity. A part of me feel like I just actually know I know I did took something that I just need it for the moment because unemployment was not going to pay me anything. At this time I'm having mixed feelings about it just because it's new and I'm already struggling financially just trying to pay debt and just live and I think that's most of the world right now. So I'm still going to keep looking for other positions and keep doing some soul searching.

What is it about finding your passion all right. We always say or maybe I hear everyone say what is it in life that you're passionate about. What does that mean how do we get there who tells us these things do you really know when your child that you know we're supposed to be when you grow up. Because when I was a child I wanted to be an OBGYN, why did not do that maybe it was my fears of the unknown, maybe it was the fact that I have to work hard and I'm extra lazy, or maybe it's because I just really forgot what I was supposed to do with my life. and then I thought about this why did I get in the mental health and substance abuse field?? I got in this field because I needed a job right out of college I have been working at a bookstore and got laid off from there and actually that place close to you it's weird most of the places I've got laid off from have closed. Anyways back to the story and I needed a place to go I need it to be able to work, to provide things from myself that I didn't know I can get? Which in turn calls me to go into debt because I was feeling a void of loneliness and feeling unloved and unwanted. And now that I'm closer to pushing 40 that I am 30, I am reaping the benefits of my decisions from the consequences of my actions. I just work to survive. I have never worked to live. That's all that I know. It's hard for me to enjoy things because I'm always worried about money. I'm always categorizing things in my head of how to fix things to make other things fit in that box. I have never ever to my knowledge have been content with any job that I've had except one. 

Why is that I don't know, I have no idea why that is. I have no joy in anything anymore. I sat here in my apartment thinking about one was the last time I was extra, extra,excited about something that made me happy. And do you know what that was? It was buying a Brand New bag. Yes ladies and gentlemen buying a brand new $225" luxury" bag. Normally I would deprive myself of stuff because I couldn't afford it. I'm tired of struggling. I would do the budget sheet since stick to the cash budget stuff and look at all the YouTube videos of people saving money and I'm like how come I can't do that every time I get close to it s*** happens. But the handbag I bought it. I bought the handbag and then I sent it back. And then I bought two more from a secondhand site. And I still feel the same way I love the bag more than anything else and that's a horrible feeling to have. It's quite tragic and undeserving because that money could be used to pay off the bills that I keep saying I have. And now I feel like a phony. This is the cycle that I continue to live in all the time. And I don't know how to break it or change it but I guess that's what comes with consistency and I need to be held accountable for all of those things. So join me on this ride of whatever we're going to call this this roller coaster of s***.

Another laid off

so I have been laid off once again. I believe that this is the second layoff in about 4 1/2 or five years. So I'm trying to figure out the next step. I am so tired of being in Behavior Health it has sucked my soul out and I'm just tired of being strictly unhappy for such a long time. I know I need a job but I've been a little particular about what I want instead of just going because I am desperate. I have no motivation right now I feel like blah at the moment. Most of my coworkers have found their jobs already and will be starting soon and a part of me feel like I'm left out and the other part of me is like girl you killed it last week by yourself why everybody else was out doing interviews at work you were making sure that everybody was doing what they need to do as far as the clients on the aftercare plans etc. And a part of me has a little bit of resentment because I felt like I needed to be the one that was president in the moment it consistent and the other part of me is like girl shut up and just do what you need to do that was your job. And I'm just on this road right now of uncertainty and a little scared at the moment. I had to just pay about $500 for my car to get that fixed. Then I had a flat tire the week after I didn't have any to get three new tires plus an alignment put that on a credit card that I just paid off. Then as of this past weekend I had to get the alignment corrected because my car started doing weird stuff. I went almost a week without a car at one point and I was grateful to have my coworkers take me to and from work and it probably only use a rideshare maybe three times. I'm just so weird right now and asking for help it's always been hard for me strictly hard for me and it makes me feel weak and lost undisciplined. So right now I'm trying to look for a job I mean it's just me I have nobody else and that's just life at the moment. So if I end up back and behavior health which I don't want to hear be very brief I won't let it stay long. It won't drowned me because it's just a job and I can get unemployment as well but that's not gonna be a lot only because it's low and unfortunately living in a state and I mean we don't get the extra $600 that you know the other State was giving. And hopefully I get help with my rent and my electricity and my car.

Good day

it's been such a wonderful time right now in my life. Sake no it has not been the same. I've just been wanting to do something different so I have been meeting my best friend every Friday for the past couple weeks for breakfast. She has been late almost every time and I never say anything at all at all. So I don't like to upset anybody and I'm afraid that she would be my friend if I told her that she was late.Sometimes it feels like I thrive off disaster at all times and I really don't mean to come off like that. I'm really a good person and I just fucked up and all kinds of way shape or form I don't know how to just be a normal human being without having my introvert and what is my social axniety come in to play when I'm just trying to live my best mother effing life that I can possibly live. So it's just one of those things right now for me that I'm trying to take a step back and look deeper within myself to see what can I change. I'm in the second half my 30s I need to be more the aware. But society tells me that I need to be married at 18,000 kids with a career in $10,000 in my savings. I pay my bills I get some covert easy as that. But I'm learning to except things the way it is and I'm OK with that I'm OK with that and that's all that.

How do you mourn?

Today I lost an acquaintance that I knew. She was the best friend of my childhood friend. I don't know how to feel. Should I be sad? Should I be crying? I have no emotion at all. Death, to me, is sad and overwhelming. I have not been to a funeral in over 10 years. I refuse to go. It was an out-of-body experience for me. Being at a church with others morning like you. Depressing. Seeing someone you love in a decorated box only to be put in the ground covered with dirt forever. While I feel bad, the feeling is weird. Grief comes in many ways. How are you supposed to feel? In the moment of learning about loss, especially in the times, we live in, seems to be normal. Like oh, they died or hearing a news story about some violent murder. Then now hearing people died from the virus. The human brain can only handle what it cans and hold on to it. Is everything that is real fake or is everything fake real? Illusions and reality counter each other until it's just another day. Another moment. Another feeling. Another numbness finally becomes normal.

Last week of 36

This is it my last week of being 35. Wow a year has gone by. I have surivied a pandemic. Had UFE suregury. Found a great doctor- but she is leaving to pursuit another speciality. Got COVID- now having heart problems. Got a raise two times and promotion. Now typing this, I realized that eventhough I see life from a very different angle its hard to see any diffently. You see I wake up every morning hate looking in the mirror. I always nippick at everything that I dislike about myself. From my face to the bodys rolls that I can't seem to get ride of despite how many times I start every Monday as a diet day. I am still unhappy. I can't figure out why. I know they say that happiness is a choice but my reality tell me otherwise. Once again- Im still alone, not debt free and keep up with old habits. Why is that? When I pull up to mu job every job, I am reminded of saddness that I feel everyday and how unfullfilled I am. I know that these are the decisions that I have made for myself and I must live with them. But as I turn 36 I want newness and wholeness. I live in the daydreams of my mind that seem to be happy and full of love. I know thoses will never come true but it would great to enjoy it.

untitled

I don't know what to write. I feel like I regurgitate everything over and over again. This week has been very stressful and overwhelmed. My job is currently very very short staff and it's just seem like it's one thing after another. My body is just tired and wanting more for myself when I come home from work I just can't push myself to do anything anymore. I look at others and I will confess that I do compare myself to other people all the time. I compare my whole identity to them. And I often feel alone and Afraid to go the extra mile. And I always think people have something against me at all times. And at this moment, I'm seeing things for what they are but with my own perception of it. It's like I live in a wasteland of my mind and only thing that I know how to do is live in that Wasteland of mess and debris and toxic Madness it smells like s*** scuse me. It's hard for me to focus on certain things when I'm at home such as, a Bible study that I wanted to do and I just don't care and I do it to be around people but is on Zoom. I think it's my madness a couple heading to be included but I really don't want to be included because I put my screen on black. I don't think anyone feels like I feel. It's like I'm constantly trying to find run to something that is greater than what the situation that I'm in now. And I don't know how to change it or know how to start changing it. I was doing a podcast last night or a while ago, and I have nothing I sure would have to share which was but I'm sharing with you guys now but it was depressing and I feel like I'm always that person. Will I ever grow will ever achieve anything out of life I'm just feel like I'm always miserable me. I know there's sunshine and rainbows and puffy clouds in the distance, but when am I going to ever see it.

mindblogging

Good evening, it is currently Saturday night and I am having anxiety about going to work tomorrow. Every time I think about work I have anxiety, either I'm at home thinking about it or I'm in my office about it. It's mind-boggling because I've stayed in this industry for such a long time and I have no empathy or sympathy anymore I am officially burnt out. I'm just tired my body hurts and I'm ready for a change. I've been looking for other opportunities and I keep getting put back into this space of the genre of the job that I have an only way that I can move forward is if I were to get an advanced degree but I can't afford it right now because I'm paying off debt like any adult is doing right now and we're in a pandemic still even though it seem like it's not even still going. I think my days of just dealing with stuff and rolling with the punches doesn't do it for me anymore. In the past I would just go, go, go, until it was nothing left in me. I'm seeing a new perspective on life and I want to enjoy it and now that I'm feeling better even though mentally I'm not cuz I feel all throughout my body physically, I just want to be free but I feel like I'm trapped in Chains of a 9-5 job. And they've basically have my Financial Security in their hands. They could let me go and I'll be worried that I don't have a job and I'm going to pay my rent versus me daydreaming about me not being there in that kind of crazy. I feel weird about that and uneasy. But I need to go through some Growing Pains or I'm going through it right now. I just don't know how to make this transformation how to push for it I'm feel lost and don't know what direction to go and a part of me feels like I'm running out of time cuz time waits for nobody. Is that normal to feel that way right now? Or am I letting my anxiety just get the best of me? I know I live so much in my head and I stay at my own a coordinates all the time. I used to be very creative and I don't have her anymore she is buried somewhere and I have been able to find her at all. I'm trying to ReDiscover her or that side of me again has been hard for me and trying to discover her I don't remember her I don't know her the sad case of me. But I do have a feeling that better days are going to come I just have to believe in it that it will happen. Until next time.

Black Girl Wasted

It's been this time around. I am liking myself now. I good. I just got my results back from my surgery -- MY FIBROIDS ARE DEAD!!! I don't know how to act. The inner excitement is in disbelief. Now on the next part of my life, going back to school. I feel more confident now to get my master's. It's something different. I have talked myself out of it since forever. Today I had brunch with some friends who are now therapists with their practices. I heard their success and the money that they make. I feel left out because I have all the knowledge and resources but not the education. I just failed my second time taking my LCDC test for my certification. I felt stupid and lost. But I know I can do it.